Local Pedophile Taking New Relationship Slow

By Brooks Sherman

Published: August 31, 2009

ROCKPORT, MA – Gary Thorpe reports that he is taking things with his new love interest, Susan Kent, slow for the time being. Thorpe, 53, has been seeing Kent, 12, for about three weeks now, but “doesn’t want to rush things,” electing not to let the lovely young lady see him in return.

Troll 2: The Greatest Sequel of All Time

By Jill McKay

Published: August 30, 2009

Forget The Godfather II. Forget The Empire Strikes Back. And yes, although it might be hard, forget Speed 2: Cruise Control. Without a doubt the greatest sequel of all time is Troll 2.

Congo: The Greatest Movie About Monkeys with Lasers on Their Heads Ever Made

By Jill McKay

Published: August 30, 2009

If you like robot gorillas with No Fear backpacks emoting, then this is the movie for you!

Four out of Five Multiple Personalities Agree: the Medication Is Working

By Brooks Sherman

Published: August 30, 2009

It’s true: four out of the five personalities resulting from your severe case of dissociative identity disorder have found the new medication you are taking for your condition to be more than satisfactory.

Google Unveils G-1000 Killer Robot

By Jill McKay

Published: August 30, 2009

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google unveiled its latest product to an eager crowd at their press conference today, the G-1000, a humanoid robot that’s designed to find and kill fugitive 10-year-olds using Google’s patented search engine technology.

Concerned Group Launches Hunger Strike to Promote Anorexia Awareness

By Brooks Sherman

Published: August 30, 2009

MINNEAPOLIS – Activist organization BrightLite is staging group fasts across the country as part of their new campaign to combat eating disorders.

Ask a Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster

By Guest Contributor

Published: August 30, 2009

Dear Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster, After watching Escape from New York, I started wearing an eye patch like my hero, Snake Plissken. But then this whole pirate thing started, and all of a sudden

Town Mourns Mediocre Man

By Alexa Darrin

Published: August 25, 2009

MORGAN HILL, CA – Michael O’Rally, born July 3rd, 1974, a somewhat passable employee of the local Kinko’s, was laid to rest at Mount Hope Cemetery yesterday, with memorial services held at St. Catherine’s Church.

White Supremacists Protest Obama’s Lack of Nazi Qualifications

By Brooks Sherman

Published: August 21, 2009

Neo-Nazi organizations and Ku Klux Klan chapters across the country are criticizing recent claims that U.S. President Barack Obama is either a Nazi or throwing his support behind policies advancing the tenets of National Socialism.

Heroin Addicts Kick Heroin with Heroin! Wait.

By Brooks Sherman

Published: August 20, 2009

Scientists who were definitely All Fucked Up have found the long-sought treatment that soothes troubled heroin addicts: Heroin.

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