Published: August 31, 2009
Love Knows No Restraining Order |
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ROCKPORT, MA – Gary Thorpe reports that he is taking things with his new love interest, Susan Kent, slow for the time being. Thorpe, 53, has been seeing Kent, 12, for about three weeks now, but “doesn’t want to rush things,” electing not to let the lovely young lady see him in return.
Published: August 30, 2009
Troll 2: The Greatest Sequel of All Time |
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Forget The Godfather II. Forget The Empire Strikes Back. And yes, although it might be hard, forget Speed 2: Cruise Control. Without a doubt the greatest sequel of all time is Troll 2.
Published: August 30, 2009
Local Company Initiates "Bring Your Illegitimate Daughter to Work Day." |
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SIOUX FALLS, SD – MidStar Energy Corp. announced yesterday that in addition to ‘Casual Saturdays’ and ‘No Lunch Break Thursdays,’ they will soon host a quarterly ‘Bring your Illegitimate Daughter to Work Day.’
Published: August 30, 2009
Congo: The Greatest Movie About Monkeys with Lasers on Their Heads Ever Made |
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If you like robot gorillas with No Fear backpacks emoting, then this is the movie for you!
Published: August 30, 2009
Four out of Five Multiple Personalities Agree: the Medication Is Working |
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It’s true: four out of the five personalities resulting from your severe case of dissociative identity disorder have found the new medication you are taking for your condition to be more than satisfactory.
Published: August 30, 2009
Big Brother Is Watching You |
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THE KITCHEN – Your annoying older sibling is at it again: Big Brother keeps staring across the dinner table at you, as you calmly ignore him and continue to eat your meatloaf. He is so trying to annoy you. Does he have to chew with his mouth open like that, so you can see all [...]
Published: August 30, 2009
Google Unveils G-1000 Killer Robot |
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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google unveiled its latest product to an eager crowd at their press conference today, the G-1000, a humanoid robot that’s designed to find and kill fugitive 10-year-olds using Google’s patented search engine technology.
Published: August 30, 2009
Concerned Group Launches Hunger Strike to Promote Anorexia Awareness |
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MINNEAPOLIS – Activist organization BrightLite is staging group fasts across the country as part of their new campaign to combat eating disorders.
Published: August 30, 2009
Ask a Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster |
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Dear Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster,
After watching Escape from New York, I started wearing an eye patch like my hero, Snake Plissken. But then this whole pirate thing started, and all of a sudden
Published: August 25, 2009
Town Mourns Mediocre Man |
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MORGAN HILL, CA – Michael O’Rally, born July 3rd, 1974, a somewhat passable employee of the local Kinko’s, was laid to rest at Mount Hope Cemetery yesterday, with memorial services held at St. Catherine’s Church.
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