Published: June 5, 2009
FCC Headquarters Devastated by Surprise F-Bomb Attack |
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WASHINGTON – At approximately 8:37 a.m. this morning, the Headquarters Building of the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) suffered a direct attack,
Published: June 2, 2009
"Most Interesting Man in the World" Spotted Performing Series of Uninteresting Acts |
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MEXICO CITY – The Brazilian tabloid Jornais do Brasil broke a story Sunday depicting “The Most Interesting Man in the World” unapologetically carrying out a series of uninteresting acts. Mr. The Most Interesting Man, age 58 or 67, was photographed changing the oil in his 1976 Maserati Bora, doing his ex-brother in-law’s taxes, and buying [...]
Published: June 2, 2009
New Mexico Requests Federal Funding to Make it Not Such a Shithole |
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WASHINGTON, DC – The House of Representatives yesterday passed a bill which aims to provide key stimulus funds to the state of New Mexico, hoping that the financial boost will make the state less of a shithole.
Published: June 2, 2009
Africa Officially Declared a Country; Geographically-Challenged Americans Heave Sigh of Relief |
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By David Sherrell DUBUQUE, IA – In a move designed to alleviate increasing concerns over the average American student’s near-total ignorance of world geography, the U.S. Dept. of Education has issued a directive to U.S. teachers declaring the fabled land of Africa a “country.”
Published: June 1, 2009
Conservatives Demand Bailout for Failed Abstinence Programs |
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WASHINGTON, DC – Advocates for abstinence-only sexual education are meeting with members of Congress on Capitol Hill today, requesting millions of dollars in aid. Despite a dramatic increase in federal support over the last several years, the abstinence industry has continued to fall woefully short of its leaders’ projections.
Published: June 1, 2009
Bless Mother Earth! Yowza! |
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By Chas Morris Yorzan Woo doggie, it’s been a while! Sorry I have not written in some time. So much has
Published: June 1, 2009
ACLU Representative Defends His Constitutional Right to Make No Sense |
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SEATTLE – A volunteer trying to elicit donations for the American Civil Liberties Union Friday assaulted several passers-by with his nonsensical rambling. Samantha Marshall described her harrowing experience: He called out at me, “Do you support same sex marriage?” and when I stopped and said I did, he talked about the Bush administration’s condoning illegal [...]
Published: June 1, 2009
Nintendo Debuts the Wii Lazy, Much to Fatties' Delight |
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Nintendo’s new game, the Wii Lazy. “It’s about time someone acknowledged the benefits of not exercising,” said Paul Hogan, 354 pounds. “So many people these days are on the ‘Exercise more and eat less’ bandwagon. That is just not true. People’s bodies respond differently to different things. My body, for instance, only functions on a [...]
Published: June 1, 2009
Dick Cheney to Star in New Talk Show |
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By Ami Koldhekar Former Vice President Dick Cheney launched a new talk show, “Dicktates” on the Fox network, funded by a bailout for the failing non-liberal media. The show promises to show a sassier side of the former veep by airing various segments for the everyday real American, such as “How to Love Freedom” and [...]
Published: June 1, 2009
Man Kills with Kindness, Sentenced to Life in Prison |
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DOVER, DE – In one of the shortest deliberations in Delawarean history, a jury has found Arthur Wilkins guilty of first-degree murder. Over the course of just three days, prosecutors proved that the 44-year-old Wilkins, a man infamous for his good nature and care for others, had warmheartedly loved his wife, Delilah, to death. “No [...]
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