Published: May 1, 2009
My Mom Is a Criminal Mastermind |
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It was a normal day, the day it happened. I came home from work and greeted my husband Markus with a hug. But then I noticed that he didn’t return the hug because he was too busy staring at a box on the kitchen counter. “What’s that?” I asked.
Voice quivering, he just said, “Look.”
As I [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
Congress Passes Defense of Weddings Act, Crazy Brides Chill Out |
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WASHINGTON – Giving into pressure from their angry constituents, the Senate today passed the Defense of Weddings Act (DOWA), which the House of Representatives passed last week by an overwhelming majority. The bill is intended to curtail the influence of Big Wedding.
Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), one of the authors of the bill said, “Big Wedding [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
Ask Bobby Jindal |
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Dear Bobby Jindal,
My roommate’s grooming habits are absolutely disgusting. I don’t know how he does it, but after waking up he goes from his bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen and out the door, leaving a path of destruction in his wake-fingernail clippings, beard hairs, toothpaste globs, coffee spills, flecks of bread that he [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
BREAKING - Columbia Students Take Over Cafeteria, Refuse to Graduate |
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NEW YORK – As of 5:45 p.m. students at Columbia University have barricaded themselves in the school cafeteria. The leader of the student rebellion, John Miller said, “We, the students of Columbia University, are following in the footsteps of our comrades at the New School and NYU and taking over the cafeteria until our demands [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
Broke Bank Holds World Hostage, Threatens Global Annihilation |
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NEW YORK – The international community was dumbfounded this morning by an announcement from Lehmans Brothers Holdings Inc., the bankrupt financial services firm, that it has successfully constructed, and now controls, a nuclear warhead. Even more alarming, the bank’s board of directors made clear that it intends to deploy the weapon if its demands are [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
Team Investigates Torture Allegations, by Any Means Necessary |
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WASHINGTON, DC – The Justice Department has organized a bipartisan team to investigate all leads regarding the Bush Administration’s alleged endorsement of torture in interrogations. As this is a sensitive matter, with potential political and international ramifications, the group, codenamed Team Softball, has been authorized to attain their information “by any means necessary,” in order [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
Community Outraged by New Art Exhibit's Inoffensive Attributes |
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MODESTO, CA – Residents of Modesto are outraged by a recent installation of artwork at the Modesto Museum of Art & History, exclaiming that it is far too inoffensive for the community to bear.
“The ‘Nifty Fifties’ exhibit aims to provide museum guests with a snapshot into the past through the lens of art,” comments Susan [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
Arlen Specter Seduced by Handsome Stimulus Package |
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WASHINGTON – Senator Arlen Specter (PA) has announced that, after nearly three decades of faithful commitment, he is leaving the Republican Party for another. “This just feels like the right thing for me now,” a sheepish but glowing Specter, 79, told GOP colleagues. “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
Republicans are stunned. “This came out [...]
