Published: March 1, 2009
Twilight Offers Teens What They Didn't Know That They Didn't Want |
read this item
Twilight is that time of day when it gets really hard to drive. The sun has set, but it’s not really that dark. Your headlights are on, but you can’t see them emitting any light. You keep checking to make sure your lights are on. After some time, you realize that you’ve spent more time [...]
Published: March 1, 2009
Popular Counter-Terror Icon and Self-Proclaimed "Master of Universe" Denies Performance-Enhancing Substance Abuse |
read this item
By David Sherrell
RANDOR’S PALACE, ETERNIA – In a press release today, representatives of chief law enforcement officer He-Man denied allegations of substance abuse. These allegations were recently made public by the Ministry of Eternian Justice, in preparation for Friday’s convention of a grand jury investigating rumors of corruption in the King’s administration.
“Frankly, we’re shocked. Nobody [...]
Published: March 1, 2009
Republicans Adopt Colorful New Strategies to Attract Younger Voters |
read this item
WASHINGTON – In the wake of crushing electoral defeats by Democrats in 2006 and 2008, Republican leaders analyzing their party’s voter base have discovered a critical weakness: a severe lack of young people. Earlier today, Jeff Barclay, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee, announced: “As of today, the GOP is revamping its image, reaching [...]
Published: March 1, 2009
Montana Not Wooed by Produce |
read this item
HELENA, MT – Lawmakers on capital hill find themselves baffled after repeated failed attempts to convince the state of Montana to lower its state speed limit from 80 to 75 MPH with the promise of two truckloads of carrots as incentive. “I just don’t understand,” says House Minority Whip Jack Scarborough R-NV, “Carrots have never [...]
Published: March 1, 2009
Scandal Rocks World of Sports: Baseball Player NOT on Steroids |
read this item
Shocked murmurs and exclamations echoed through the courtroom today after major league baseball’s grandslam superstar, Jed “the Juicer” Juszpecki of the New York Yankees, admitted, under oath, that he has never used performance-enhancing drugs to augment his athletic achievements. At least two coaches fainted upon hearing the announcement, requiring an emergency infusion of energy drinks.
Outraged [...]
Published: March 1, 2009
Fuel-Efficient Cars Too Dangerous to Build, Claim Automakers |
read this item
Lawmakers on Capitol Hill today presented a stern ultimatum to the beleaguered American auto industry: if they hope to receive another dime of federal aid, they will have to first demonstrate a solid commitment to the development of economical, eco-friendly, and fuel-efficient vehicles. At a press conference held shortly thereafter, General Motors and Chrysler issued [...]
