Ask a Jilted Lover

By Guest Contributor

Published: February 14, 2009

Dear Jilted Lover,
Last year my boyfriend totally ignored Valentine’s Day. He went with his geeky friends to a Valentine’s Day all you can eat sushi special while I stayed at home eating a box of chocolates I’d bought for myself. How can I hint to him that I really want him to do something special [...]

What I Really Want to Do Is Wait Tables

By Guest Contributor

Published: February 1, 2009

By Maxwell Cross
Hello, sir, madam. How are you both this evening? Have you decided on anything yet? Our specials today are — excuse me? No. I’m sorry, no. Yes, I get that all the time. Yes, I know I look a lot like him, but it’s just a coincidence. I assure you. Anyway, our specials-what? [...]

The Harry Potter Project

By Joel Turner

Published: February 1, 2009

I hold, obstinately, to the belief that you can judge a book by its cover. Assuming that it is a paperback. Let’s place credit where credit is due. Book covers provide the background: Title, author, publishing company and on occasion, price. Book covers, quite literally, paint a picture of the story. Just when the magic [...]

Domestic Terrorists Demand Government Bailout

By Brooks Sherman

Published: February 1, 2009

HELENA, MT – Members of the Independent Nation of Fletcher’s Cabin, a radical anarchist commune based near Whitlash, MT, are seeking a bailout from the federal government, claiming that the ongoing economic crunch has drastically limited their ability to function. “How can we be expected to topple the corrupt, socialist pinkos in power, if they [...]

Could My Life Be Any Worse?

By Guest Contributor

Published: February 1, 2009

By Chas Morris
I’m having a really shitty day. I go to pick up my dry cleaning today and the stupid dry cleaners mis-pressed my brand new Hickey Freeman black striped super 120s wool 2-button suit. I tell the person that if I wanted my suit to be pressed like it were a 3-button, I would [...]

Breaking News: Peter Pan OD’s on Pixie Dust

By Brooks Sherman

Published: February 1, 2009

NEVERLAND – At long last, concerned parents can stop locking their children’s windows in fear each night. Peter Pan, the Tiny Titan, Demagogue of Disobedience, has fallen. Officials on the tragic scene refused to comment, but one unnamed member of Mr. Pan’s infamous youth gang, the Lost Boys, tearfully declared: “Poor Peter. He kept saying [...]

Passive Aggressive Man Saves the Day Eventually

By Jill McKay

Published: February 1, 2009

SEATTLE – When a house fire across the street from the police station blazed out of control, Saturday, Seattle Police Commissioner Gordon turned on the Passive Aggressive Man signal to alert Seattle’s only superhero. Half an hour later, Passive Aggressive Man appeared on the rooftop of the police station and, when asked why he was [...]

Suspicious Individual Causes Disturbance During Random Security Search on Air Force One

By Brooks Sherman

Published: February 1, 2009

WASHINGTON – A visit to Russian President Dmitry Medvedev by newly sworn-in American President Barack Obama was delayed this morning by a security incident prior to the President’s departure on Air Force One. The disturbance began when a security officer informed one of the presidential aircraft’s passengers that he had been selected for a random [...]

Cardinals “Not a Real Team,” Reports Depressed Eagles Fan

By Joel Turner

Published: February 1, 2009

PHILADELPHIA – Wanda Kowalski, a devoted Philadelphia Eagles fan and part-time cosmetology student is convinced that the Arizona Cardinals are not actually a real NFL team.
“I just don’t understand why more people haven’t figured this out before. The fact that the NFL is going to let a bunch of golfers from the desert play in [...]

Ford to Unveil Newest Crappy Car

By Joel Turner

Published: February 1, 2009

DEARBORN, MI – In what appears to be an economic crisis with no end, the Ford Motor Company announced yesterday that they plan to release the new Ford Taint, a moderately fuel-efficient, low-priced economy coupe, in the hopes that a truly affordable car may save the world’s fourth largest automaker from extinction.
“We realize that times [...]