Outgoing President Bush Leaves Booby Traps in White House

By Jill McKay

Published: January 20, 2009

WASHINGTON D.C. – Newly inaugurated President Obama sat down in his chair in the Oval Office for the first time today, only to yelp as he sat on a thumbtack that had been left there by outgoing President Bush, White House sources say.
After jumping out of his seat, Obama picked up the thumbtack and walked [...]

Point Break Deserved an Oscar

By Jill McKay

Published: January 1, 2009

The one thing that’s on every American’s mind right now is the poor choice of a winner for Best Picture at the 1992 Academy Awards. Instead of Point Break, an insightful, deeply moving picture about the extremes that surfers have to go to in a poor economy to support their spiritual journeys, the Academy chose [...]

Campbell’s Plans Bailout of U.S. Government

By Jill McKay

Published: January 1, 2009

By Markus Fleisch (pretending to be Jill McKay)
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise move from the maverick soup maker, Campbell Soup Company announced Thursday that they were working with U.S. lawmakers on a plan to bailout the federal government. The news comes as no surprise to jittery investors who have seen Campbell’s stock decline less [...]

It’s Not Easy Knowing That You’re Better Than Everyone Else

By Guest Contributor

Published: January 1, 2009

By Chas Morris
Whoever said ignorance is bliss is just wrong. They’re wrong because I should have said that first. Ignorance most certainly is not bliss, but one thing that is indisputably true is that my life would be a lot easier if I didn’t know that I was better than everyone else. It wasn’t always [...]

Things in Burma “Probably Okay Now” Reports U.S. Department of State

By Joel Turner

Published: January 1, 2009

RANGOON – Fifteen months after the conflict in Burma found its way to the world’s center stage, the United States Department of State has lifted all travel bans and advisories for southeast Asia’s largest country, stating that things are “probably okay now” within its borders.
For years, Burma’s military-led government has systematically stripped all citizens’ rights [...]

Three Weeks Before Inauguration, McCain Guarantees Victory on January 20th

By Joel Turner

Published: January 1, 2009

NEW YORK – Unfettered by his decisive loss in the 2008 presidential election, Senator John McCain has vowed to continue his campaign for the presidency until January 20th, despite every report that indicates President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America. Though Senator McCain gave a [...]

ONDCP’s New Anti-Drug Slogan “Too Legit To Quit” Leaves Teens Confused, Addicted

By Joel Turner

Published: January 1, 2009

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Seen by many as a major setback in the United State’s war on drugs, the Office of National Drug Control Policy’s new anti-drug slogan has appeared to have backfired. Six months after the ONDCP’s “too legit to quit” ad campaign began airing on television and appearing on soft drink cans and bags [...]

Ethiopia Airlifts Food, Aid to New Jersey as American Economic Crisis Worsens

By Brooks Sherman

Published: January 1, 2009

NEWARK – A mission of hope for the New Year disintegrated into anarchy today, after the first Air Ethiopia emergency relief plane to land at Newark International Airport was met by an unruly mob. Ethiopia is the newest member in the coalition of African, Asian, and South American countries pledged to combat the growing chaos [...]

Lonely Doctor Suggests that Fellatio May Cure Cancer

By Brooks Sherman

Published: January 1, 2009

BOSTON – Dr. Melvin Winkler is recommending an unorthodox treatment to female leukemia patients in his care. Although no evidence presently exists to support his theory, the thrice-divorced physician, who in the last year has been arrested in seven prostitution stings and recently spiraled into a deep and destructive depression, points out that there is [...]

Oprah, P.I.

By Brooks Sherman

Published: January 1, 2009

CHICAGO – In the wake of yet another fictitious memoir scandal, famed television personality and media mogul Oprah Winfrey announced today that she is renouncing her duties as a talk show host, magazine publisher, and philanthropist for the foreseeable future. She is now choosing to focus her efforts on personally investigating the authenticity of alleged [...]

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