NASHVILLE – Embattled and mercurial Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young, who recently demanded Titans management either install him as the team’s starting QB or trade him, was informed yesterday that incumbent Kerry Collins would keep the starting job.

In response, Young has made good on his threat and has asked Titans general manager Mike Reinfeldt to trade him. Young even specified which team he wants to play for: the University of Texas Longhorns.

“I had a lot of success with Texas,” Young explained. “I won a championship pretty-much by myself. I want to go back. I told Mike to make that happen.”

Young, who met with reporters at his locker during this week’s mandatory summer minicamp, refused to believe that he couldn’t be traded to the Longhorns because they are a collegiate team.

“Why not?” Young asked, dumbfounded. “Didn’t they trade me to the Titans in the first place?”

“No, you were drafted by the Titans,” said one reporter, to which Young replied, “What’s the difference?”

“Besides, they told me they want me back,” Young said with a look of great satisfaction on his face.

As it turns out, Young’s last point is, in fact, true. The University of Texas, unable to win a championship since Young’s final season with the team, is preparing an offer, which Texas President William Powers Jr. revealed will include a dorm on campus with his own bathroom, free meals at any university cafeteria, and guaranteed passing grades in every class.

When asked whether this offer was different from those the school offers to any incoming scholastic athlete, Powers Jr. replied, “No, not really.”

Outraged fans of the hallowed American pastime are already howling for Juszpecki’s immediate withdrawal from the sport, and for the Baseball Commission to strip him of his numerous awards. “We come to the stadium every game to be deceived, to be assured the physically impossible is possible!” bellowed one placard-bearing protester outside the courthouse. “And now we get told, just like that, that we’ve been swindled? That a man actually can hit a hundred homeruns in a row without undergoing an illegal and hazardous drug regimen? I’ve been a baseball fanatic all my life, but now,” the man’s mouth twisted in disgust. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll switch to watching football, where you KNOW everyone on that dang field is popping amphetamines.”

“I knew it,” ranted famed teammate and rival Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez to waiting reporters outside the hall of justice. “I just knew it! You’d see him in the locker room after every game, and there was never a glazed look in his eyes, no unexplained bouts of aggression and, in the showers, there was absolutely no shrinkage to his . . . you know.”

Juszpecki, ambushed by reporters as he attempted to leave the courthouse from a side exit, issued a brief statement: “I want to apologize to my family, friends and especially fans at this time. I have betrayed them, my teammates, and the sport I love. I can only hope that time will repair some of the damage I have cause by my inaction. And to any kids out there who are listening, and still consider me a role model, I want to tell you this: when it comes to drugs and peer pressure, just do it.”

In spite of Juszpecki’s words, spokespeople for Nike have announced that the company will immediately terminate his sponsorship.

“I just don’t understand why more people haven’t figured this out before. The fact that the NFL is going to let a bunch of golfers from the desert play in the Super Bowl makes me want to break something over someone else’s head.”

On January 18th, the Arizona Cardinals defeated the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC Championship game, securing their first appearance ever in a Super Bowl showdown. Led by Quarterback Kurt Warner, the Cardinals boast a starting lineup of NFL veterans and highly sought-after rookies.

But Kowalski is still pretty certain that the Cardinals aren’t a real team. “Until the morning of the NFC Championship game, I had never heard of these ‘Arizona Cardinals.’ Frankly, I thought that Football was outlawed down there by Mexico.”

When asked what proof she has to verify that the Cardinals are not a real team, Kowalski replied, “have you ever heard of them?”

Kowalski drafted a petition to the commissioner of the National Football League, demanding the unconditional forfeit of the “fake football club” which has “ruined the lives of every Philly sports fan.” Despite the petition, all reports indicate that not only will the Arizona Cardinals play the Pittsburgh Steelers this evening in Florida, but that they will seriously beat the Steeler’s asses, 49-13.