Three Weeks Before Inauguration, McCain Guarantees Victory on January 20th

By Joel Turner
Published: January 1, 2009
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Three Weeks Before Inauguration, McCain Guarantees Victory on January 20th  | read this item

NEW YORK – Unfettered by his decisive loss in the 2008 presidential election, Senator John McCain has vowed to continue his campaign for the presidency until January 20th, despite every report that indicates President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America. Though Senator McCain gave a [...]

ONDCP’s New Anti-Drug Slogan “Too Legit To Quit” Leaves Teens Confused, Addicted

By Joel Turner
Published: January 1, 2009
ONDCP's New Anti-Drug Slogan "Too Legit To Quit" Leaves Teens Confused, Addicted  | read this item

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Seen by many as a major setback in the United State’s war on drugs, the Office of National Drug Control Policy’s new anti-drug slogan has appeared to have backfired. Six months after the ONDCP’s “too legit to quit” ad campaign began airing on television and appearing on soft drink cans and bags [...]

Lonely Doctor Suggests that Fellatio May Cure Cancer

By Brooks Sherman
Published: January 1, 2009
Lonely Doctor Suggests that Fellatio May Cure Cancer  | read this item

BOSTON – Dr. Melvin Winkler is recommending an unorthodox treatment to female leukemia patients in his care. Although no evidence presently exists to support his theory, the thrice-divorced physician, who in the last year has been arrested in seven prostitution stings and recently spiraled into a deep and destructive depression, points out that there is [...]

Oprah, P.I.

By Brooks Sherman
Published: January 1, 2009
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Oprah, P.I.  | read this item

CHICAGO – In the wake of yet another fictitious memoir scandal, famed television personality and media mogul Oprah Winfrey announced today that she is renouncing her duties as a talk show host, magazine publisher, and philanthropist for the foreseeable future. She is now choosing to focus her efforts on personally investigating the authenticity of alleged [...]

The Population of Planet Earth Celebrates the Inaugural Issue of The Garlic Press

By Brooks Sherman
Published: January 1, 2009
The Population of Planet Earth Celebrates the Inaugural Issue of The Garlic Press  | read this item

PLANET EARTH – Billions of people worldwide celebrated earlier this morning as the hour in their respective time zones turned to midnight, signifying that January 1, 2009 had indeed arrived, and with it the First Edition of the long-awaited future Pulitzer Prize-winning publication, the Garlic Press. Champagne flowed freely, couples embraced and wept, and there [...]

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