Published: August 30, 2009
Four out of Five Multiple Personalities Agree: the Medication Is Working |
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It’s true: four out of the five personalities resulting from your severe case of dissociative identity disorder have found the new medication you are taking for your condition to be more than satisfactory.
Published: August 30, 2009
Big Brother Is Watching You |
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THE KITCHEN – Your annoying older sibling is at it again: Big Brother keeps staring across the dinner table at you, as you calmly ignore him and continue to eat your meatloaf. He is so trying to annoy you. Does he have to chew with his mouth open like that, so you can see all [...]
Published: August 30, 2009
Google Unveils G-1000 Killer Robot |
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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google unveiled its latest product to an eager crowd at their press conference today, the G-1000, a humanoid robot that’s designed to find and kill fugitive 10-year-olds using Google’s patented search engine technology.
Published: August 30, 2009
Concerned Group Launches Hunger Strike to Promote Anorexia Awareness |
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MINNEAPOLIS – Activist organization BrightLite is staging group fasts across the country as part of their new campaign to combat eating disorders.
Published: July 20, 2009
Rare, Elusive Wise Latina Woman Spotted in Capitol |
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WASHINGTON – White males on Capitol Hill were stunned last week by the sudden appearance of a wise Latina woman during an otherwise normal convening of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Published: June 2, 2009
"Most Interesting Man in the World" Spotted Performing Series of Uninteresting Acts |
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MEXICO CITY – The Brazilian tabloid Jornais do Brasil broke a story Sunday depicting “The Most Interesting Man in the World” unapologetically carrying out a series of uninteresting acts. Mr. The Most Interesting Man, age 58 or 67, was photographed changing the oil in his 1976 Maserati Bora, doing his ex-brother in-law’s taxes, and buying [...]
Published: June 1, 2009
ACLU Representative Defends His Constitutional Right to Make No Sense |
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SEATTLE – A volunteer trying to elicit donations for the American Civil Liberties Union Friday assaulted several passers-by with his nonsensical rambling. Samantha Marshall described her harrowing experience: He called out at me, “Do you support same sex marriage?” and when I stopped and said I did, he talked about the Bush administration’s condoning illegal [...]
Published: June 1, 2009
Nintendo Debuts the Wii Lazy, Much to Fatties' Delight |
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Nintendo’s new game, the Wii Lazy. “It’s about time someone acknowledged the benefits of not exercising,” said Paul Hogan, 354 pounds. “So many people these days are on the ‘Exercise more and eat less’ bandwagon. That is just not true. People’s bodies respond differently to different things. My body, for instance, only functions on a [...]
Published: May 1, 2009
Community Outraged by New Art Exhibit's Inoffensive Attributes |
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MODESTO, CA – Residents of Modesto are outraged by a recent installation of artwork at the Modesto Museum of Art & History, exclaiming that it is far too inoffensive for the community to bear. “The ‘Nifty Fifties’ exhibit aims to provide museum guests with a snapshot into the past through the lens of art,” comments [...]
Published: April 1, 2009
The Garlic Press Takes Stock of Its Readership |
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The editorial staff of The Garlic Press convened this morning to go over their monthly reader statistics. Webmaster Markus Fleisch announced that, according to his research, five people had visited the Garlic Press website in the last 30 days. President-for-Life Brooks Sherman angrily interrupted Markus, protesting that these findings indicated that “aside from you, Jill, [...]
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