Initially proposed in 1913, the Infinite Monkey Theorem states that a if a monkey were to haphazardly tap the keys of a typewriter throughout eternity, it would eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. As the 100th anniversary of the theorem’s founding approaches, the minds of the Hack Institute set out to prove it once and for all, and end a vicious dispute that has divided the academic world for over a century.

“We began with baby steps,” explained project leader Dr. Philip Blotwirt. “Rather than wait through time without end for some random monkey to type the 38 comedies, tragedies, and histories that comprise Shakespeare’s dramatic catalogue, we decided to begin with his popular play Hamlet, and to use a monkey with a proven reputation in the arts.”

The selected test subject was Bobo, a male White-headed Capuchin monkey, who had previously distinguished himself by mastering the musical ranges of Mozart, Beethoven, and Elvis, improving Picasso’s painting of Guernica with a few choice yet profound brush strokes, and playing reigning World Chess Champion Viswanathan Anand to a stalemate. “We placed our highest confidence in Bobo,” Dr. Blotwirt said. “His pedigree was impeccable.”

Bobo came tantalizingly close to the project’s modest goals only to disappoint, when he presented his keepers with a typed copy of the Shakespearean play Titus Andronicus, along with an annotated analysis of the tragedy’s plot, structure, and relevance in a post-modern globalized society.

“Not only is this not Hamlet, it is one of Shakespeare’s least popular plays!” Dr. Blotwirt shrieked as he wildly waved the manuscript. “It COMPLETELY lacks the sophistication and effortless verse we have to come to expect from the Bard’s greater works!” Hurling the offending script across the room, the scientist collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

Bobo, witnessing another living being in pain, shuffled over to Dr. Blotwirt and gently placed a paw on his arm, gazing up into face of the distraught team leader with patient, soulful eyes. After a few minutes, Dr. Blotwirt managed to compose himself, wiping tears away as he stood. “Okay, people, back to square one,” he sighed. “Get me the cattle prod.”

Bobo was summarily punished.*

* [Editor's note: No actual monkeys were harmed in the writing of this article.] **

** [Editor's other note: But if a monkey HAD been harmed, there's really no way you could prove it.]

Not to be outdone, industry rival Fiji has just released its own addition to the market: H2-Awesome, a beverage with only half the calories of regular water, and just a hint of arsenic!

At the time in which The Garlic Press went to print, a massive tidal wave met an equally enormous mushroom cloud, thus solidifying the suspicion that Sullivan’s actions were directly responsible for the end of humanity.

Sullivan, along with every other human being on the planet, was unavailable for comment.

Citing Fox News’ long tradition of avoiding hard subjects and stories that matter, Brian Lewis, director of communications for Fox News Channel released the following statement to the press:

What we have here is nothing more than an honest mistake, but one that comes at a tremendous price for Americans.  Here at Fox News, we feel it is important for Americans to avoid stories that highlight journalistic integrity.  If it’s important, we feel it’s best to not cover it.  It is regrettable that Ms. Nguyen chose to disrupt this tenet and on behalf of Fox News Channel, I would like to extend my most sincere apologies to those affected by her regrettably honest reporting. As we here at Fox News say, “no important news is good news.”

Nguyen was made unavailable for comment and her segment in question which covered the 60th anniversary of the Geneva Conventions was summarily stricken from the network’s website.

In a televised public service announcement, one of the men says that they are “looking for people with big, juicy hearts to give a hand, and help. Please,” he implores, “lend us your ears.”

Another, when asked why he feels this movement is so important, explains, “I have discovered in myself a strong appetite for charity work. There is such a need in the world today for fresh body parts, especially pâté—I mean, liver.”

“And ribs!” his friend interjects hopefully.

When meeting new people, Thorpe admits, he can often be shy, and reluctant to share details about himself, like his legal status as a pederast with a criminal record. “I like to think of myself as a person first, and a child molester second,” he explains. “My hobbies shouldn’t be the only things defining me.” Even now, at the beginning of this love affair, Thorpe has his moments of self-doubt. “Ah, who am I kidding?” he mumbles. “She probably doesn’t even know I exist.” He concedes that this may be in part because he has taken great pains to remain inconspicuous around the adorable Kent and her family, posing at times as an ice cream truck vendor or dog-walker.

“If only I knew how to take things to the next level without it getting awkward,” he says wistfully. “I don’t want to be seen as ‘that creepy old guy.’ Especially by my parole officer.”

In an effort to recognize the children whose parents lacked any moral compass whatsoever, MidStar wishes to give back to the children that were a result of a bad economy, an unemployed spouse, and six blended margaritas. “I am very excited to bring Grace with me to work next Friday,” comments Tasha Yaeger, an executive administrative assistant. “I think that this is the perfect opportunity for her to meet daddy.”