“I am at a loss for words,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid D-NV, “it’s as if our backs were against the wall, and we didn’t know who to call.”

President Obama has provided a number of scenarios that may transpire as a result of the shutdown. In addition to the closure of all non-essential government agencies, embassies, and federally-supported golf communities, the President mentioned the slight possibility of a national disaster of Armageddon-like proportions.

Although no signs indicate any such doomsday scenario, paranormal researchers from Columbia University have taken the liberty of releasing video footage of what they believe one possible outcome might be:

Fire, brimstone, souls of the damned, and the threat of the human race being enslaved by rapture-ridden poltergeists notwithstanding, many Americans, particularly New Yorkers, remain unfazed by the prospect of apocalyptic ramifications from a government shutdown.

“Shit’s just as crazy as it’s always been,” remarks Queens resident Anthony Potorski, unemployed. “As long as I get my disability from Uncle Sam, I don’t care who’s spitting ectoplasmic goo on me in the subway.”

But not all citizens are taking the spike in paranormal activity lightly. “I just had a twenty-minute conversation with my ex-boyfriend, and he’s been dead to me for five years,” says Stephanie Russell, 27. “Why won’t the government do something about this? And why won’t Steve just accept that it’s over?”

The fallout of the federal shutdown will be difficult to forecast ahead of the weekend, reports an unnamed source with ties to the White House. “What we do know is that either nothing at all will change in the slightest, or a giant crevasse will rip open the heart of this great country, plummeting all inhabitants down into a boiling sea of molten hot lava, where they will gaze in horror as their skin melts off their bodies shortly before they gasp their last agonized breaths of life.”

“So really,” the official clarifies, “it could go either way.”

“In an effort to recognize the achievements of those employees lacking any moral compass whatsoever,” said a company spokesman, “MidStar wishes to give back to the children who were a result of a bad economy, an unemployed spouse, or just six blended margaritas.”

MidStar employees seem generally enthusiastic about the new event.  “I am very excited to bring my daughter with me to work next Friday,” says Tasha Yaeger, an executive assistant who has been with the company for almost two years now.

She adds, “This is the perfect opportunity for Grace to finally meet Daddy.”