But when Qaddafi made a Feb. 24 television address to his subjects, he happened to mention a new fad sweeping Libyan youths: “They put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafé.” The Libyan people must have been quite excited by their ruler’s announcement, as this reporter has observed their passing the last several days in lively demonstration.

Since Qaddafi’s declaration, Nescafé drinks have experienced a surge in popularity in North Africa and the Middle East, with similar mass displays in such countries as Yemen, Bahrain, and Jordan. Nestlé executives, encouraged by Qaddafi’s thoughtful plug, are making a strong push to capitalize on their product’s newfound marketability, with new slogans like “Nescafé: Now with twice the hallucinogens of other instant coffees!” and (even more popular) “Nescafé: Powder to the people!”

But while the populations of these nations have risen up to show their apparent enthusiasm for Nescafé, their leaders seem more reserved. “You can’t help but notice, wherever there is Nescafé, the people seem angry with their violently repressive governments,” complains one brutal tyrant who declined to be identified.

Still, Nestlé is optimistic about the region’s changing social climate. “This is a very exciting time for the long-suffering people here,” says a Nestlé spokesman. “Nescafé is primed to become the Four Loko of North Africa.”

In his statement of reasons, Waters describes Reality as “harsh,” “cold,” and “a real buzz-killer.”  Reality, however, has shot back with complaints as well, including accusations that Waters was often unfaithful over the course of their relationship. Reality specifically cites a long-standing affair Waters allegedly had with Fantasy, claiming that the two engaged in countless rendezvous, as often as “several times a day” in some instances.

Waters, while acknowledging his own guilt, defends his actions with the argument that he and Reality were “on a break” at the time, and maintains, in what many consider to be a low blow, that “Fantasy has always been better than Reality.” He insists, however, that he is not the bad guy in this story, pointing out that Reality has a long history of prior relationships that have also ended badly.

It wasn’t always like this between the pair. Waters admits that, when they first met, years ago, he had been excited by what his future with Reality might hold. But, after years of disappointment, and Waters drifting from job to dead-end job, he says he began to feel like Reality had stopped believing in him. He says that, on some mornings, “It was hard just to wake up and face Reality.”

In the months since their separation, Reality has reportedly sought solace in the arms of several billion other people; Waters, on the other hand, claims he is “currently playing the field,” seeing various partners with a no-strings-attached policy. “I’m just up for something casual and fun,” he says, insisting that he’s “not really looking to get tied down right now.”

There is some speculation, however, that he has entered into a committed relationship with Heroin.

the passage of gas, Raynolds exhibited prompt non-verbals that would assure the others that she was not the responsible party.

Despite Raynolds’ periodic coughs, looks of consternation, and a few innocuous glances exchanged with two other passengers, she quickly grew concerned that two of the three others present assumed that it was she who dealt it.

Matters grew more complicated as the elevator stopped on the 14th floor and took on three additional passengers. Eunice Pauli from accounts receivable was certain that Raynolds was responsible for the lingering stink. “She had it written all over her face. And to make matters worse, she kept making gestures in an attempt to pass the blame over to this nice woman that I think works in HR on the 21st floor. I wanted to offer her some antacids, but I figured she would be embarrassed.”

Unable to withstand the increasingly awkward and hostile environment, Raynolds absconded from the elevator at the 17th floor, attempting to conceal her tears. She was never to be seen again.

Zerachiel , a member of the Third Choir from the Third Triad of Angels, denied the charges, saying that Flekker “didst cry out for aid from the depths of his own soul, whereupon I hastened unto his side and embraced him with heavenly love.”

Guardian angels often seek to help or look after members of the Lord’s flock, but, under spiritual law, are forbidden to do so unless expressly asked. Flekker claims he made no such invitation. Zerachiel, however, said his accuser “wast asking for it,” and insisted that “even if he spoketh not the words, in his heart he didst totally want it.”

When questioned if his behavior toward Flekker was out of character, the angel said, “Nay, I often watch over him whilst he doth sleep.”

In response, Flekker said, “Okay, now that’s really creepy.”

“Seriously,” he added, “does no one see a problem with this?”

Zerachiel rejected suggestions that his actions were in any way inappropriate: “Verily, I say unto thee, I swing not that way.”

The heavenly spirit declined to comment, however, why, after laying hands on Flekker, he thought it necessary to perform a reach-around.

Must you persist in your frantic shrieking? You know, that’s actually pretty insensitive of you: sharks don’t have ears.* Way to throw that handicap in his face. If I were a shark, I’d be tempted to chomp onto your abdomen and drag you under, too.

Honestly, I don’t see what you’re complaining about. How would you feel, if someone suddenly popped into your living room uninvited? You’d likely be pretty upset and territorial—just like this poor shark. And if that did happen, you could legally shoot him for trespassing. Well guess what: sharks don’t have guns; they don’t even have hands. All they have to protect themselves are fins! That, and row upon row of razor-sharp teeth, like the ones currently sawing through your right leg.

Great. You are now spurting what looks like several pints of blood directly into the ocean. Did you know that sharks can smell a single drop of blood from miles away? Yet here you are, bombarding this one’s delicate senses with veritable buckets of viscera and gore. No wonder the little guy’s so excited; he’s completely overwhelmed, like a kid glutted on candy at Halloween.

Is anything I’m saying penetrating your haze of debilitating agony and blood-loss? Do you understand now that Mother Nature is a beautiful and primal force, one not to be trifled with, and that you must respect her children?

Look: if you keep screaming and splashing like that, you’re not going to learn anything at all—he’s coming back.

___________________________________________________________

* [Editor's Note: Okay, so technically sharks do have ears; but they're located on the inside of their heads, so they don't count.]

Hader, the prospective love interest/murder victim in this unfolding story, claims he doesn’t care which he ends up being, and that “it’s so exciting! Just like in the movies!”

The detective in charge of the case, Sgt. Frank Foster, agrees, adding that regardless of whether the coming days lead to passionate love scenes or gore-strewn violence, he is confident the result will be “of a nature unsuitable for witnesses under the age of 17.”

“You see,” the President continued, “Palestine is like Gates, the brown man just trying to live his life in his own place, knowhatimsayin’? And Crowley is like Israel, a white guy responding to a legitimate security concern, but with a little too much force. Next thing you know, everyone’s up in arms over it. It’s just like the Second Intifada.”

President Obama may have overly simplified the problem, however. While Gates and Crowley were willing to discuss their differences over a Sam Adams and a Blue Moon, respectively, it seems that the beverage choices for the political actors in the Israel-Palestine conflict are a bit more complicated.

Mahmoud Abbas, head of the Palestine Liberation Organization, responded with outrage to Obama’s invitation. “How could I even consider drinking a beer with Netanyahu while settlements are still being built on the West Bank?” he sputtered. “That is absolutely a precondition for a beer summit.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was more amenable to the idea but still miffed by Obama’s beverage choice. “Would I have to drink a Blue Moon?” he asked. “Couldn’t it be something a little more manly, a good porter or something? Or better yet some manischewitz.”

“Anyway,” Netanyahu continued, “Maybe I’d consider it if I could get a Nobel Prize, like Yitzhak Rabin.”

Obama was not deterred by the negative reactions and called for both sides to drop their animosity and come have a drink. “It’s just a couple of guys have a drink at the end of the day, nothing more than that. Maybe we can figure some things out.”

Meanwhile, protests broke out throughout the Muslim world in reaction to Obama’s perceived slight of the religion by offering alcohol. Angry protesters hit the streets in Damascus, Islamabad, and Tehran, chanting “Death to Obama” and burning effigies of Obama. Ninety-five have been killed in the rioting.

The one-time civic hero, famed for his numerous rescues of heir apparent Princess Peach, has been the subject of much controversy due to his alleged use of mushrooms in the line of duty. Now, after years of sobriety, it seems that Mario has once again fallen off the kart.

Police state that Mario appeared under the influence when they arrived on the scene. Evidently under the impression he was able to fly, the suspect initially tried to flee custody. When this effort failed, he resorted to attacking officers with random debris (“Fireballs!”), before screaming, “I just a’swallowed a star! I’m invincible now—let’s-a-go!” and running head-on into a solid brick wall, knocking himself unconscious.

Released this morning on bail, the disgraced plumber made a public apology on the castle steps for his behavior. “I’m a’sorry to my brotha Luigi, the Principessa, and alla you a’little Toadies.” He added that, now the effects of the mushrooms had worn off, he felt “about two feet-a-tall.”

Princess Peach is currently looking into extradition to Italy—and if that fails, Japan.

Police questioned the suspects, ages 13 to 14, but several of the boys protested, “I got babkes!” while pulling out their pockets to indicate that they had no money.

One of the boy’s mothers, who said she’d been noshing on latkes and wasn’t aware of the intense game in the next room waved her hand in the air and said, “I’m very ferklempt. After I schlep Saul home he’s going to be cleaning out the gutters for weeks.” When asked for a statement, Saul Rubenstein said, “Moooom! Oy.”