Published: February 26, 2011
Nescafé Products Drugged, Says Despot; In Other News, Nescafé Sales Skyrocket |
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TRIPOLI – Beleaguered food company Nestlé received a surprise PR boost this week from Libyan dictator Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi. Nestlé, a once-proud corporate giant, in recent years has suffered from disappointing sales, particularly with Nescafé, a brand of instant coffee that is a poor substitute for real coffee and tastes like crap.
Published: February 2, 2011
Local Woman Finds Twitter, Loses Soul |
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By Robin K. Blum DUBUQUE, IA – Dilettante homemaker Sharon Weedy, 36, announces that she has joined the Twitter community in an effort to promote her new at-home web business, a blog full of free fun projects and crafts for the whole family.
Published: December 2, 2010
Man Seeks Divorce from Reality, Citing Irreconcilable DifferencesCouple Facing Off ca. 2003 |
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After nearly 10 years of wedded life, Jeremy Waters of Midtown, IN has filed for divorce from Reality. The move has come as a shock to few who know the couple, asWaters and Reality have been legally separated for the past year, and most did not see much possibility for reconciliation between the two.
Published: October 28, 2010
Woman Smells It, Concerned That Others Think She Dealt It |
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DENVER, CO – During a rather lengthy elevator ride to the 27th floor of the 1999 Broadway building, Sandra Raynolds smelled an unmistakable odoriferous funk in the elevator. Certain that one of the other three present in the tightly-quartered elevator was responsible for
Published: October 5, 2010
Man Touched by Angel Presses Charges |
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Missoula, MT — A local man has accused his guardian angel of making unwanted sexual advances. Wayne Flekker, 39, told reporters he was asleep in his bed early Tuesday morning when he “felt something touching me.” Upon awaking, he discovered Zerachiel, an androgynous being of energy and light
Published: March 5, 2010
I See Dead People! |
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By a Marine Biologist I hope you’re pleased with yourself. No, really, I do. Bet you thought you were pretty clever, cashing in those frequent flier miles to go snorkeling off Martinique? Well, maybe now you’ll learn a little lesson about the consequences of your actions, like what happens when you go around startling skittish [...]
Published: February 11, 2010
Do you like sappy movies? |
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LITTLE ROCK – Authorities remain stumped by a mystery note shoved under the front door of local resident Carl Hader earlier this morning. Investigating officers cannot decide whether the anonymous message, which contains such phrases as “I melt when you smile,” “I am always watching you,” and “I want to hold your still-beating, bloody heart [...]
Published: December 21, 2009
Obamheiser Bush |
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by Aaron Kase Washington, DC – President Barack Obama thought he had found the solution to the decades-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Encouraged by the success he had earlier this summer
Published: December 14, 2009
Super Mario Blunders |
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MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Troubled celebrity and part-time public works contractor Mario was arrested downtown yesterday, following dozens of complaints about his causing havoc in the city’s sanitation system, diving down sewage drains to collect small change and assaulting citizens by jumping or viciously stomping on them.
Published: December 11, 2009
Geltfellas |
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BROOKLYN, NY – Police broke up a heated match of dreidel today at the bar mitzvah of Abraham Feldstein. When police arrived, several guests were gathered in a circle yelling insults in Hebrew and Yiddish.
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