Dear Internet Scammer,

Recently, I lost my job. Now the bills are mounting up, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with all my payments. I got engaged last year, and these financial problems arecreating a lot of stress for both me and my fiancée. Now we don’t know if we can even afford a wedding.

We’re fighting more and more, and I am worried now that in addition to losing my career I might lose the woman I love. What should I do?

Jobless in Seattle

Dear Jobless,

I am a senior vice president at English National Bank in London, UK. Your resume was forwarded to my attention, and I am pleased to offer you an executive position here in the bank company. Before we send you the job contract and plane ticket, I need you to mail me a reference letter from your last employer, your social security number, a valid international passport, and $600 for the Right of Residence Permit Fee (RRPF). All of this stuff will be mailed back to you after we have confirmed it is not fake. (In this economy, you can?t be too careful.)

Congratulations! We are looking forward to having you here with us, and we hope you find conditions pleasant and your work challenging and rewarding.

Sincerely,

An Internet Scammer

Dear Internet Scammer,

I’m a shy person. My friends tell me I should get out more to meet women, but I always get uncomfortable and awkward when I’m around new people. I look okay (I think), and I have a lot of hobbies, but I just really don’t know how to start a conversation with a girl. What can I do to throw out more of a fun and confident vibe?

Wallflowers for Algernon

Dear Wallflowers,

Hi sexy! I’m glad that you wrote. So . . . what are you doing tonight? I’m soooo glad it’s the end of the day, I had a long week and can’t wait to let loose a little tonight My girlfriends and I are going out to this party . . . maybe you’ll join us, hehe!!

Well a few things about me then you could tell me more about you. I’m not looking for a long term relationship, just the nonchalant sexy evening with a champagne breakfast in a nice hotel room. So, can you sneak away a night or two? I already know what I want so you don’t have to worry much . . . Just be yourself. I like to role play alot, I can be a naughty girl and need a spanking! Can you send me a picture of you, like a copy of your driver’s license, or maybe a birth certificate, so I know you are 4 real? Sometimes people can be real creeps and aren’t who they say they are. I’ll talk to you soon, I hope!

Hugs-N-Kisses!!!

An Internet Scammer

Dear Internet Scammer,

My name is Sadiq Abdul. I am an Iraqi national, and accountant for an oil refinery in Bagdad. When the U.S. invaded, I moved $45 million to a call deposit account abroad for safe-keeping. In my capacity as the company accountant, I was the only person aware of this transaction, and the money can only be released to someone I introduce as the beneficiary.

I cannot travel outside of the country now, I am wanted by the government. So I am seeking for a partner I can present to the security company, so they release the $45 million to your account, as part of the money being owed to you by Bagdad Oil Refinery Company. As soon as this deposit is released to your account, I will then inform you on how to safeguard my share (70%) for investment in your country, and you can keep 30% for helping.

On your acceptance on this transaction I will send to you the deposit certificate naming you as the beneficiary for refunds owed to you by Bagdad Oil Refinery Company. I will need your passport number, a photo ID, your home address, and your savings account number.

Awaiting your quick response,

Sadiq Abdul

Dear Sadiq Abdul,

Wow. This sounds really cool! I don’t know how you got my info, but I am DEFINITELY interested in getting involved and helping out with your business proposal. I don’t know why you need my bank account number or address, but the reward seems totally worth the hassle. I am also going to send you my cell phone number, because I am uncomfortable giving my information over the internet (you always hear horror stories about that).

Sincerely,

An Internet Scammer

Dear Snake,
Mommy? What’s going on? Where are we going? What’s that clicking noise? Mommy, can I have some more cotton candy? Mommy? Why does everyone have their hands up?

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Dear Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster,
Most of the employees at my office are in their early 20s and the dress code is casual. But one of my coworkers takes casual too far. She shows up to work in her pajamas, complete with bunny slippers. I find this distracting and unprofessional. Should I say something to her? Or should I mind my own business and try to ignore the bunny ears flopping around while she walks past?
Trix Are for Kids

Dear Trix,
Oh man, I feel weird . . . AAAAAAGH! OH NO! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY WHAT’S GOING ON! AAAAAAAAAAAGH! Oh good, it’s over. Oh no, not again, AAAAAAGH!

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Dear Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster,
Help me settle an argument. My friend Steve thinks A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 is better than the first A Nightmare on Elm Street. I told him he’s crazy; the first Nightmare is way better. I mean, hello? Johnny Depp getting sucked down into a bed and coming back out as bloody spew? Yes, please. I told him he probably just likes the second Nightmare because everyone knows it’s just a big allegory about being a closeted homosexual. Then I called him a closeted homosexual. Then he called me a bigot. Now we’re not speaking anymore. So tell me, which Nightmare is better?
Freddie Is My Homeboy

Dear Freddie,
Huh uh uh, no more of that, please, Mommy, no more. Ergh, my tummy feels weird. BLERGH. Yuck. Mommy, I don’t want anymore cotton candy.

My roommate’s grooming habits are absolutely disgusting. I don’t know how he does it, but after waking up he goes from his bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen and out the door, leaving a path of destruction in his wake-fingernail clippings, beard hairs, toothpaste globs, coffee spills, flecks of bread that he flossed out of his teeth. I’ve tried dropping hints about cleaning up after himself, and I’ve even left notes all over the apartment advising him to be considerate toward me. Today I looked on passiveaggressivenotes.com and saw that he’d submitted one of the notes I’d written! Talk about passive aggressive! How can I get my slob roommate to shape up?

I’ll passive aggressive you!

Dear Passive Aggressive.

Let me tell you a story. During Katrina, I visited one of my old coworkers, Councilman Sammy Keen. Now Sammy and I, we never got along too well. He was always picking arguments with me about this and that.

He’d say, “Bobby, we need to increase teachers’ salaries.”

And I’d say, “Sammy, you go out into the community and you ask people, ‘Do you want to pay more taxes?’ And if they say yes, I’ll eat my hat.”

Sammy was full of crazy ideas. One time he told me we needed to increase funding for something called “SAT prep courses.” I told him, what Louisiana needs to do is fund prep courses on reigning in government spending.

Thank you for listening. God bless you. God bless Louisiana. And God bless America.

Bobby Jindal

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Dear Bobby Jindal,

I’m usually a very confident and assertive person, but for some reason, I just can’t stand up to one of my coworkers. He’s at least 30 years older than me and has always spoken to me like I was a child, never even bothering to hide his exasperation when I ask him a simple question. His attitude and my subservient reaction to him are making me nuts! How can I show my coworker that I’m not a child?

No, YOU make a copy of the TPS report

Dear Copy,

My parents came to this country from a distant land. As I grew up, my parents taught me traditional American values like supporting our troops, looking out for my neighbors, and living within my means. They also taught me to pay my taxes on time and in full because it’s my duty as a member of this great country.

But on April 15th of this year, I felt a great deal of unease. Unease because the Democrats in Washington continue to raise taxes, spend money we don’t have, and saddle our children with debt. You know, as much as I love my parents, I sure don’t want to have to help them pay their mortgage!

I promise you that I will reach across the aisle and work with Democrats as best I can to ensure that next April 15th, you’ll be happy to pay your taxes.

Thank you for listening. God bless you. God bless Louisiana. And God bless America.

Bobby Jindal

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Dear Bobby Jindal,

What’s wrong with you? Are you ok?

Concerned Reader

Dear Reader,

Last week my daughter Selia handed me a permission slip from her school for a field trip to the science museum. Now, I signed the slip because I want my daughter to have a fun time at the museum with her classmates, but I looked her in the eye and I said, “Selia, always remember to think critically, especially when it comes to science.” She just nodded in that wise way that children have and asked if she could go ride bikes. Well, I just laughed and said sure. Crazy kids these days.

But then I remembered that in Washington today, tax and spend Democrats want to burden my kids with a staggering national debt. They claim that by raising taxes on the very wealthy the debt will be lessened. They claim that we need to improve our health care system. And they say that we need to stimulate our economy by passing the biggest spending bills this great country has ever seen. But those of us who lived through Hurricane Katrina, we have our doubts.

The United States is the greatest nation in the world, having triumphed over almost every form of adversity known to man. And we will triumph again.

Thank you for listening. God bless you. God bless Louisiana. And God bless America.

Bobby Jindal

My boyfriend and I often argue about action movies. This weekend I want to see 12 Rounds but he wants to see the midnight showing of What the Bleep Do We Know? at the local indie theater. He’s working on his law degree, so when I suggested that we go see the fun action movie instead of the boring philosophy movie, he said that he “must estop [me] before [my] mens reus becomes an actus reus” and that it would be an “erroneous deprivation” if he couldn’t see What the Bleep Do We Know? I told him that everyone knows What the Bleep Do We Know? is painfully pretentious, but he said, “If you don’t estop your offensive collateral estoppel I’m going to the movies alone. Also pacta sunt servada.”

How can I convince him that action movies give you the most entertainment for your money, especially when they star Keanu Reeves?

Nothing Better than a Good Car Chase

Dear Car Chase,

Your boyfriend’s an idiot. You should dump him right away because chances are you’re going to be standing on a street corner arguing with him about action movies versus talking movies and he’s going to get so riled up that he’s not going to notice the high speed car chase careening right at him and will be bounced between two different cars, Meet Joe Black-style. Trust me. The jerky boyfriends always get killed first. Especially the jerky boyfriends who are also lawyers.

The Director of Speed

Dear The Director of Speed,

Did you seriously just recommend that my girlfriend dump me? This is your preliminary injunction. Don’t make me come down there in personem and negate your probative hermeneutics. I will take you down, Director of Speed. Down to the settlement zone.

The Respondeat Superior

Dear Respondeat Superior,

Look out for that bus! BOOM! CRASH! KAPOW! CRRRUUUUUNNCCCHHHHHHH!

The Director of Speed

Dear The Director of Speed,

What do you think of John Woo?

Hong Kong Action Movies!

Dear Hong Kong,

Slow motion is an abomination.

The Director of Speed

Sushi Sucks

Dear Sushi,
Uh huh, right. You think that’s bad? Let me tell you, last year on Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend gave me a box of chocolates with almonds even though he knows I HATE almonds. I like PEANUTS. PEANUTS! IS THAT SO DAMN HARD TO GET STRAIGHT, CHUCK?! Chuck? I miss you.

Jilted Lover

Dear Jilted Lover,
Last weekend my girlfriend and I had a big fight at the movie theater because she wanted to see My Bloody Valentine and I wanted to see Bride Wars. I told her I wanted to see Bride Wars because Entertainment Weekly said it was Kate Hudson’s best work since Fool’s Gold, but she said the makers of Bride Wars are clearly anti-feminist and so out of touch with the average American that they think they can persuade people to feel sorry for two rich women fighting over their perfect weddings when the average American these days is more concerned with scrounging up enough money to go to the movies. And also, she really wanted to see a pickaxe flying out of the screen in 3D. We ended up going to our separate movies, but they both sucked and we didn’t talk the whole ride home. How can we resolve our fight?

Screw you, Kate Hudson

Dear Kate Hudson,
I remember the first time I went to the movies with Chuck. We saw Crash and were so moved by the movie, we decided to give back to our communities the next day and read books to children at the homeless shelter. Then a couple of weeks ago, we got Crash from Netflix and realized that it’s actually a terrible movie that tries so hard to manipulate the viewer’s emotions that it forgets to develop characters that anyone could possibly care about and also it stars Encino Man, that blonde dude from Cruel Intentions, and Miss Congeniality, I mean wha?! Well, we were so pissed off when the movie was over, we got into a big fight and I told Chuck to leave, and he did and now he won’t return my calls.

Jilted Lover

Dear Jilted Lover,
My boyfriend’s so great, I really want to get him something special for our one month anniversary. Do you have any ideas what I can get him? I was thinking about getting one of those giant, hollow cakes that I could pop out of and

Dear Cake Lady,

Shut up.

Jilted Lover

Dear Chuck,

I love you. Come back?

Jilted Lover