Published: April 1, 2009
Congress Quits |
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected and decidedly unprecedented move, all 535 members of the United States Congress submitted letters of resignation to President Barack Obama’s office this afternoon. No reports suggest that this was a concerted decision; rather, each member of the House of Representatives and the Senate coincidentally decided at the same moment [...]
Published: April 1, 2009
Apple iPhone Creates A Gazillion New Apps |
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SAN FRANCISCO – In a concerted effort to make the iPhone the “do all” portable device, Apple has announced that their widely popular mobile phone now has an application for virtually everything in the universe. In addition to the iPhone’s recent and popular applications including “Where did I park?” and “Zombieville USA”, Apple is now [...]
Published: March 1, 2009
Twilight Offers Teens What They Didn't Know That They Didn't Want |
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Twilight is that time of day when it gets really hard to drive. The sun has set, but it’s not really that dark. Your headlights are on, but you can’t see them emitting any light. You keep checking to make sure your lights are on. After some time, you realize that you’ve spent more time [...]
Published: March 1, 2009
Montana Not Wooed by Produce |
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HELENA, MT – Lawmakers on capital hill find themselves baffled after repeated failed attempts to convince the state of Montana to lower its state speed limit from 80 to 75 MPH with the promise of two truckloads of carrots as incentive. “I just don’t understand,” says House Minority Whip Jack Scarborough R-NV, “Carrots have never [...]
Published: February 1, 2009
The Harry Potter Project |
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I hold, obstinately, to the belief that you can judge a book by its cover. Assuming that it is a paperback. Let’s place credit where credit is due. Book covers provide the background: Title, author, publishing company and on occasion, price. Book covers, quite literally, paint a picture of the story. Just when the magic [...]
Published: February 1, 2009
Cardinals "Not a Real Team," Reports Depressed Eagles Fan |
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PHILADELPHIA – Wanda Kowalski, a devoted Philadelphia Eagles fan and part-time cosmetology student is convinced that the Arizona Cardinals are not actually a real NFL team. “I just don’t understand why more people haven’t figured this out before. The fact that the NFL is going to let a bunch of golfers from the desert play [...]
Published: February 1, 2009
Ford to Unveil Newest Crappy Car |
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DEARBORN, MI – In what appears to be an economic crisis with no end, the Ford Motor Company announced yesterday that they plan to release the new Ford Taint, a moderately fuel-efficient, low-priced economy coupe, in the hopes that a truly affordable car may save the world’s fourth largest automaker from extinction. “We realize that [...]
Published: January 1, 2009
Things in Burma "Probably Okay Now" Reports U.S. Department of State |
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RANGOON – Fifteen months after the conflict in Burma found its way to the world’s center stage, the United States Department of State has lifted all travel bans and advisories for southeast Asia’s largest country, stating that things are “probably okay now” within its borders. For years, Burma’s military-led government has systematically stripped all citizens’ [...]
Published: January 1, 2009
Three Weeks Before Inauguration, McCain Guarantees Victory on January 20th |
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NEW YORK – Unfettered by his decisive loss in the 2008 presidential election, Senator John McCain has vowed to continue his campaign for the presidency until January 20th, despite every report that indicates President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America. Though Senator McCain gave a [...]
Published: January 1, 2009
ONDCP's New Anti-Drug Slogan "Too Legit To Quit" Leaves Teens Confused, Addicted |
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Seen by many as a major setback in the United State’s war on drugs, the Office of National Drug Control Policy’s new anti-drug slogan has appeared to have backfired. Six months after the ONDCP’s “too legit to quit” ad campaign began airing on television and appearing on soft drink cans and bags [...]
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