Dude, These Totally Are the Droids We’re Looking For

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Published: July 19, 2010

By Stormtrooper Eddie

Hey, wait a second, hold on. Frank, what are you doing, man? What the hell was that? “You can go about your business? Move along?” You call that an interrogation? And where do you get off saying we don’t need to see his identification? Has the heat gotten to you? Look: you see those two droids, with that old fart and his dorky grandkid? Yes, Frank, the ones that just passed us now.

Dude, these totally are the droids we’re looking for.

Come on, those are our guys, man! Seriously! What do you mean, you just have a feeling? You’re real weak-minded, Frank, you know that? And don’t you dare feed me that bullshit about “the Force” again! You know I hate hearing that religious crap. Next, you’ll be telling me you believe in little green spacemen who can lift things with their minds.

We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life. Why won’t you ever listen to me? Remember when we were supposed to capture the Princess on the ship? I said we should sneak up on her, but you had to go and yell “Set for stun!” like some nerf herder. And then she blasted Steve. Dude, you got Steve killed!

Then, after we follow that escape pod down here to a dead end, and I’m finally looking forward to a little R&R on Alderaan, you have to be all like, “Someone was in the pod, the tracks go off in this direction!” You kiss-ass. Now we’re stuck here, on a goddamn desert planet, doing guard duty in some wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Great: I’ve got sand in my armor. Agh, this sun! I think I’m melting! This is all your fault!

Okay, Frank, have it your way. You’re right: those two droids, the droids that fit the EXACT description of the two droids we’re supposed to find, are not them. Makes perfect sense. I don’t care anymore. I’m thinking of quitting this lousy imperial job anyway, maybe getting into something more freelance – like bounty-hunting. Now that’s where it’s at. Hey, dude, don’t call them scum. That’s just rude.

And one more thing: not a word about any of this to the big guy, Vader. Why? He doesn’t like you. You know what? I don’t like you either.