Shark Attacking You Probably Terrified, Poor Thing

By Guest Contributor

Published: March 5, 2010

By a Marine Biologist

I hope you’re pleased with yourself. No, really, I do. Bet you thought you were pretty clever, cashing in those frequent flier miles to go snorkeling off Martinique? Well, maybe now you’ll learn a little lesson about the consequences of your actions, like what happens when you go around startling skittish yet playful sharks. You might not think to look at it, but that 12-foot great white charging directly for you is probably a lot more scared of you than you are of him.

Must you persist in your frantic shrieking? You know, that’s actually pretty insensitive of you: sharks don’t have ears.* Way to throw that handicap in his face. If I were a shark, I’d be tempted to chomp onto your abdomen and drag you under, too.

Honestly, I don’t see what you’re complaining about. How would you feel, if someone suddenly popped into your living room uninvited? You’d likely be pretty upset and territorial—just like this poor shark. And if that did happen, you could legally shoot him for trespassing. Well guess what: sharks don’t have guns; they don’t even have hands. All they have to protect themselves are fins! That, and row upon row of razor-sharp teeth, like the ones currently sawing through your right leg.

Great. You are now spurting what looks like several pints of blood directly into the ocean. Did you know that sharks can smell a single drop of blood from miles away? Yet here you are, bombarding this one’s delicate senses with veritable buckets of viscera and gore. No wonder the little guy’s so excited; he’s completely overwhelmed, like a kid glutted on candy at Halloween.

Is anything I’m saying penetrating your haze of debilitating agony and blood-loss? Do you understand now that Mother Nature is a beautiful and primal force, one not to be trifled with, and that you must respect her children?

Look: if you keep screaming and splashing like that, you’re not going to learn anything at all—he’s coming back.

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* [Editor's Note: Okay, so technically sharks do have ears; but they're located on the inside of their heads, so they don't count.]