Turmoil in Middle East Over Proposed “Beer Summit”

By Guest Contributor

Published: December 21, 2009

by Aaron Kase

Washington, DC – President Barack Obama thought he had found the solution to the decades-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Encouraged by the success he had earlier this summer defusing tensions between Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley, the President sought to apply the same model to the Middle East. Obama had Gates and Crowley over to the White House for a beer to smooth over hurt feelings after a racially charged incident at Gates’ home in Cambridge. “I figured, this whole Palestine thing is pretty much the same dynamic, right guys?” Obama said.

“You see,” the President continued, “Palestine is like Gates, the brown man just trying to live his life in his own place, knowhatimsayin’? And Crowley is like Israel, a white guy responding to a legitimate security concern, but with a little too much force. Next thing you know, everyone’s up in arms over it. It’s just like the Second Intifada.”

President Obama may have overly simplified the problem, however. While Gates and Crowley were willing to discuss their differences over a Sam Adams and a Blue Moon, respectively, it seems that the beverage choices for the political actors in the Israel-Palestine conflict are a bit more complicated.

Mahmoud Abbas, head of the Palestine Liberation Organization, responded with outrage to Obama’s invitation. “How could I even consider drinking a beer with Netanyahu while settlements are still being built on the West Bank?” he sputtered. “That is absolutely a precondition for a beer summit.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was more amenable to the idea but still miffed by Obama’s beverage choice. “Would I have to drink a Blue Moon?” he asked. “Couldn’t it be something a little more manly, a good porter or something? Or better yet some manischewitz.”

“Anyway,” Netanyahu continued, “Maybe I’d consider it if I could get a Nobel Prize, like Yitzhak Rabin.”

Obama was not deterred by the negative reactions and called for both sides to drop their animosity and come have a drink. “It’s just a couple of guys have a drink at the end of the day, nothing more than that. Maybe we can figure some things out.”

Meanwhile, protests broke out throughout the Muslim world in reaction to Obama’s perceived slight of the religion by offering alcohol. Angry protesters hit the streets in Damascus, Islamabad, and Tehran, chanting “Death to Obama” and burning effigies of Obama. Ninety-five have been killed in the rioting.