Man Arrested for Stealing the Show
By Alexa Darrin
Published: October 2, 2009
LOS ANGELES, CA – LAPD arrested area resident Ben Turley late yesterday, in connection with the theft of the hit television show The Big Bang Theory. Turley, 26, has since been charged with stealing over 1,200 shows over a period of 10 years.
Officer Harry Mopowitz and his team first arrived at the scene of the crime, Warner Bros. Studios in Burbank, in response to an emergency call placed by a crew member who, upon returning from the men’s room, found the show’s entire cast and production team to be missing.
“I knew it was the work of a professional,” remarks crew member Matt Laser. “The set showed no signs of forced entry, and I didn’t see any fingerprints. When I worked on CSI: Miami, the characters always looked for fingerprints. So I made sure to check for that, first thing.”
But Officer Mopowitz was not as surprised. “We suspected that someone would try to steal Big Bang Theory,” he asserts, in the aftermath of the chaos. “It is such a great show. Sheldon is just hilarious.”
The Police Department had no idea, however, that this bust would result in the apprehension of the perpetrator of such a large number of crimes. A warrant to search Turley’s home led to the discovery of his comprehensive collection of quality television shows, including such masterpieces as The Simpsons and Arrested Development.
“We entered the basement, and found the cast, crew, writing teams, and producers of approximately 1,200 shows,” reports Officer Mopowitz. “It took a strong stomach to take in the scene.”
“Initially, we thought this was an isolated offense,” says Police Chief Max Windon, “but it will be quite a relief to the community, to know that such a dangerous criminal is behind bars.”
In retrospect, it is easy for those close to Turley to make sense of his crimes. “He talked a lot about wanting to be better than everybody,” Says his best friend Dan Camden. “I just thought he was ambitious. I had no idea he was a criminal mastermind. That’s fucking awesome! Hey, can I give a shout out to my shorty? Hey baby, love you.”
“He needed constant attention in class.” remembers Mrs. Cowan, “And he would get really upset if the class didn’t applaud and cheer after everything he said.”
“We watched The Christmas Story on the day before Christmas Vacation, but the tape disappeared mysteriously at the end of class.” Remembers another teacher, Ms. Green. “I never found it, so I’ve had to show Jingle All the Way ever since.”
“I should have known all along,” says Turley’s mother, Edna Turley. “When he was a child, I used to find tapes of TV shows and movies under his bed. I just thought it was a phase. Little did I know, he was just warming up.”
The Police Department is still working on cataloging all the stolen shows. “One thing is for sure,” remarks Officer Mopowitz, “Turley has fantastic taste in television shows.”
“He never stole any of our shows,” brags a producer on Lost. He quickly adds, “Must be because we have bullet-proof security.”
Turley himself shows no sign of remorse. He has, however, pleaded a defense due to temporary insanity with regard to So You Think You Can Dance, The Simple Life, and The New Adventures of Old Christine. “They were new shows at the time, and I didn’t realize how crappy they were gonna be,” he says. “If you want the real criminals in this case, look for the assholes that green-lit those shows.”