Man Predicts World Won’t End in 2010

By Alexa Darrin

Published: September 18, 2009

PHILLIPS, ME – In a move certain to generate controversy within the orthodox “End Is Nigh” community, local astronomy hobbyist Adam Dinger has predicted that the world will not end in 2010. “I’ve been doing some pretty extensive research,” Dinger explains. “Google, Wikipedia, askJeeves.com… I even analyzed the stars with the telescope I bought from Astromart.com. And I feel certain my calculations are correct.”

Dinger combed nearly a dozen websites for information on the end of the world, looking for overlaps and contradictions. His study began as a way to pass the time after he lost his job, but gradually started to take on a life of its own. He shared his findings with his Everquest online chat group, and then, with their encouragement, decided to contact the town’s mayor at the conclusion of his study.

“It takes some guts to make predictions that go against the grain,” says Mayor John Green, who publicly announced the prediction at the latest town meeting. “There have been many individuals and groups predicting the world will end, but Dinger is a true visionary, in that he is the first to predict when the world won’t end.” The mayor isn’t the only one proud of Dinger’s prediction. At the town meeting, community members voted to add “Home of Oracle Adam Dinger,” to the town welcome sign. The town bakery started making cookies decorated with frosting to look like the earth, naming them ‘Dingers.’”

While Dinger is thrilled by the positive reception from his community, he is not sure that the rest of the world will share their reaction. After Dinger made his prediction, he retreated to an undisclosed location to avoid persecution. “Most people are very pro-apocalyptic prophesy these days. If you look at history, the revolutionaries were always persecuted, so I don’t want to take my chances. When Galileo announced the world wasn’t flat, they burned him at the stake.” Dinger plans to come out from hiding on January 1st, 2011, after his prediction is proven correct. “But don’t worry,” assures Dinger. “I will still be in contact with my followers through World of Warcraft, under the screen name AtariWizard2010.”

Dinger admits that it would have been easy for him to jump on the 2012 Armageddon bandwagon, come up with another theory, and tap into the established audience of supporters. But according to Janet, Dinger’s wife of 25 years, he never takes the easy way out. “I always tell him if he rinses his dishes before leaving them in the sink, they’d be so much easier to wash. But he wants to do it his way,” she says.

Dinger is currently up against a number of 2012 pro-apocalyptic predictions. “But something else you have to consider,” he says, “is that not a single apocalyptic prediction in the history of the world has come true. Not one. So right now, they are 0-1,000,000.”

“I’m not going as far as saying that the world won’t end in 2012,” Dinger insists. “I still need to conduct more research, but my wife won’t let me use the internet until I clean out the garage.”