Exasperated Pet Neuters Wayward Owner

By Brooks Sherman

Published: November 16, 2009

DUNDALK, MD – It is a classic case of “Dog bites man”: Roscoe, a 4-year-old Cocker Spaniel living at 332 Chestnut Drive, had his owner, Steven Cromberg, fixed yesterday. Cromberg, a male Jewish, Scottish, and German mixed breed, is ordinarily a docile and loving companion, but at the age of 25 he had entered that awkward stage where he had one thing, and one thing only, on his mind: mating.

“It was on the verge of becoming a real problem,” Roscoe says to reporters inside the snug condominium unit he shares with Cromberg. “Steve’s behavior was getting more and more aggressive, and there were a lot of nights that I got barely any sleep. It got to the point where he was almost always going at it with some random stray.”

Everyone knows that cohabiting with pets requires certain sacrifices. Adding another living creature to the household, especially for a bachelor, can be quite a commitment. They demand more of your time, causing damage to furniture, strained relations with neighbors, and a whole mess of other worries. But what many often forget is that this is a two-way relationship.

“When Steve caught lice from one of his nightly encounters,” says Roscoe, sniffing a nearby chew toy, “I finally decided that enough was enough: it was time to take action. Now, Steve can get pretty worked up if he’s approached by a dog he doesn’t know. So, I slipped something in his dinner to knock him out, and once that took effect I did the job myself.”

Roscoe elaborates: “I kind of felt I owed that to him. I mean, I am the man’s best friend.”

Cromberg has remained unavailable for comment, electing instead to stay inside his bedroom with the door firmly locked. “Oh, don’t mind him,” says Roscoe over the sound of quiet sobbing emanating from the room. “He’s just sulking. I’m sure after a few days have passed he’ll forget all about this. All he really needs is a treat.”

Following reporters to the door, Roscoe adds, “You guys should come back in a few days; Steve does some great tricks—although I doubt you’ll see him chasing any tail in the near future.”