Town Mourns Mediocre Man

By Alexa Darrin

Published: August 25, 2009

MORGAN HILL, CA – Michael O’Rally, born July 3rd, 1974, a somewhat passable employee of the local Kinko’s, was laid to rest at Mount Hope Cemetery yesterday, with memorial services held at St. Catherine’s Church.

Nearly 5,000 people lined the streets to pay their respects, as the funeral parade made its way to the church. Mourners dressed in black sobbed as the Live Oak band marched down the street, playing “Pomp and Circumstance,” while the Color Guard waved flags printed with O’Rally’s name. “We thought it would be more appropriate to play this song, rather than a sad funeral song,” said band director Mr. Rugio. “Mike is just graduating on to the next life.”

“Which is great,” he added, “since he never graduated high school.”

As soon as news of this middling man’s death blanketed the town in sorrow, businesses all over town posted copies of O’Rally’s Kinko’s name tag in their windows. On the day of the funeral, school was canceled and employers gave their employees time off to attend.

“It’s just so tragic,” his brother, Patrick O’Rally, said during the eulogy. “You know, I’m gonna kinda sorta almost possibly miss him.” O’Rally was known throughout the town as being exceptionally average. “You have to admire someone who can walk that fine line between being a loser, and being successful at something,” continued Patrick. “It’s tough not to fall on either side of that line, and Mike was amazing at it.”

Friends of O’Rally’s also spoke at the memorial service. “He was an extremely okay guy, incredibly run-of-the-mill — I just feel so blessed to have known him,” said Nick Lowry, his best friend of 30 years. “Sometimes when I needed someone to help me out, he would put down his beer and glance away from the TV for a few minutes to listen to me.” Unable to finish, Lowry then wept with the congregation.

“Mike was a fantastically regular dude, an unbelievably acceptable friend. He would send you texts just to let you know he was thinking about you,” Marty Stanton, another pal of O’Rally’s, remembers. “Like ‘We were so drunk last night!,’ or ‘Hey, can I borrow your car for a date?,’ and stuff like that.”

“Guys like Mike are a dime a dozen,” said a choked-up Jeff Paxton, yet another close acquaintance of O’Rally. “Do you know of anything else that is that great of a deal? ‘Cuz I don’t.”

Not everyone at the service knew O’Rally personally, but they still felt overwhelming sorrow for this average man’s passing. “I didn’t know him, but I’ve driven past that Kinko’s a million times,” laments Beth Hunting. “To think…” But she could not continue speaking, as she burst into uncontrollable sobs.

At Live Oak High School, where O’Rally attended, he gained a reputation for acceptable performance, maintaining a 2.0 GPA and almost graduating before dropping out. “O’Rally…yeah, I think I remember that kid,” reminisces Mr. Jennings, the principal. “He was phenomenal at never causing trouble, yet never really standing out either.”

Another teacher, Ms. Freible, remembers that “Mike was really good at being in the exact center of the curve. I’ve never seen anything like it: to be that precisely and consistently in the middle is just so impressive.”

O’Rally was employed at the local Kinko’s for the past 17 years, where he made lasting acquaintances with customers and coworkers alike. His boss, Harold City, says, “As far as adequate employees go, O’Rally was tops, the best so-so underling I’ve ever had.”

Even his coworkers agree. “The thing I loved about Mike,” remarks Chester Glayton, “is that he wasn’t a show off. He never went above and beyond the call of duty. Hell, sometimes he didn’t even answer the call, he was so busy being magnificently un-noteworthy.”

Michael O’Rally was lowered into the ground as Father John urged mourners to “rejoice in the memory of an ordinary soul, who has left such a wonderfully unmemorable impression on all of us.”