Campbell’s Plans Bailout of U.S. Government

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By Jill McKay
Published: January 1, 2009

By Markus Fleisch (pretending to be Jill McKay)

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise move from the maverick soup maker, Campbell Soup Company announced Thursday that they were working with U.S. lawmakers on a plan to bailout the federal government. The news comes as no surprise to jittery investors who have seen Campbell’s stock decline less than other stocks in recent weeks. “We’re just happy that somebody stepped up to the plate.” said Steve Berman, senior bailout analyst at Bailouts4Every1, “Not many companies could bailout the government.”

“Campbell’s is now in a position to truly nourish people’s lives everywhere, every day.” stated Douglas Conant, President and CEO of Campbell’s. “We at Campbell’s believe that soup is the key to world peace.” When asked about stopping world hunger Mr. Conant replied, “We’re not miracle workers.”

The news comes at a time when the government is dumping money on banks and insurance companies, and has given a large sum to the crumbling American auto industry. Critics say that by offering bailouts to failing firms, the government is setting a precedent to bailout any company that runs into financial trouble. The proposed Campbell’s plan could help this process by offering payment in the form of condensed soup. “Instead of, ‘How much money do you need to stay afloat?’ we’ll ask, ‘How much soup do you need to stay nutritionally fit until you go bankrupt?’” said Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT), chairperson of the Senate Banking Committee.

Other agencies and corporations have offered bailout packages to the cash strapped government including McDonald’s and the Federal Reserve. Federal Reserve Chairperson Ben Bernanke has mentioned several times that they could just print more money, but the Senate Banking Committee was much more impressed by the Hamburglar’s presentation.

“It’s all about flash and glamour at the Senate Banking Committee.” stated Senator Dodd. “If a meeting goes by where Richard Shelby (R-AL) doesn’t take off his pants, it’s just not the banking committee, and the dancing Campbell’s soup cans really got Richard excited.”