It’s Not Easy Knowing That You’re Better Than Everyone Else

By Guest Contributor

Published: January 1, 2009

By Chas Morris

Whoever said ignorance is bliss is just wrong. They’re wrong because I should have said that first. Ignorance most certainly is not bliss, but one thing that is indisputably true is that my life would be a lot easier if I didn’t know that I was better than everyone else. It wasn’t always this way. There was a time when it was very easy accepting that I was better than everyone else.

But that was long, long ago. The only thing that has changed, really, is my outlook. I am still devastatingly attractive. I am in perfect physical shape. I eat only the healthiest of foods and I enjoy them. I donate my time to charity. Okay, that’s a lie. My personal assistant donates his time to charity on my behalf, but I make sure he doesn’t get paid for it so I can give my firm a tax write-off. I only date exceptionally wealthy and attractive women. I have not made a dinner reservation in over 15 years. I just show up and they find me a place. Because I am me. I never RSVP to a party. I show up if I feel like it. I am incredibly intelligent. Economists and scientists worldwide persistently ask for my consultation. I have never provided them with my vast insights. I just don’t want to. To be honest, I have lost count of how many cars I own. They are all very very expensive cars. And they’re all made in Europe. As most people age, they worry about their looks fading. They worry about their mind slipping. I am one of those people that will become more attractive and wise as I age. What can I say, I’m just better than everyone else.

But none of this is to say that my life is easy. What lesser people (read: every single person on this planet except me. And possibly Christian Bale) will never understand is the tremendous amount of pressure placed on perfect people. It’s not like I ever expect to deviate from my exceptional ways; it just gets a little exhausting being the alpha human. I do not know why I am even writing this. No one will ever understand. Except Christian Bale.

At least poor people can see what needs to be done to ease their pain. It’s just that most of the time, they can’t afford the doctors that will make them feel better. But what about me? What about my problems? I’ve tried everything from zero-gravity meditation centers to $2,000/hour silent treatment therapy. Nothing is working. I just want it to be easy knowing that I am better than everyone else. For someone like myself that has everything, is that so much to ask?