Ask a Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster

By Guest Contributor

Published: August 30, 2009

Dear Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster,
After watching Escape from New York, I started wearing an eye patch like my hero, Snake Plissken. But then this whole pirate thing started, and all of a sudden all these geeks are going around wearing eye patches and saying “Arrr” a lot. I don’t want to be associated with a bunch of pirate dorks, but I don’t want to stop wearing my eyepatch. What should I do?
Snake’s Gonna Kick Your Pirate Ass

Dear Snake,
Mommy? What’s going on? Where are we going? What’s that clicking noise? Mommy, can I have some more cotton candy? Mommy? Why does everyone have their hands up?

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Dear Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster,
Most of the employees at my office are in their early 20s and the dress code is casual. But one of my coworkers takes casual too far. She shows up to work in her pajamas, complete with bunny slippers. I find this distracting and unprofessional. Should I say something to her? Or should I mind my own business and try to ignore the bunny ears flopping around while she walks past?
Trix Are for Kids

Dear Trix,
Oh man, I feel weird . . . AAAAAAGH! OH NO! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY WHAT’S GOING ON! AAAAAAAAAAAGH! Oh good, it’s over. Oh no, not again, AAAAAAGH!

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Dear Terrified Girl on a Roller Coaster,
Help me settle an argument. My friend Steve thinks A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 is better than the first A Nightmare on Elm Street. I told him he’s crazy; the first Nightmare is way better. I mean, hello? Johnny Depp getting sucked down into a bed and coming back out as bloody spew? Yes, please. I told him he probably just likes the second Nightmare because everyone knows it’s just a big allegory about being a closeted homosexual. Then I called him a closeted homosexual. Then he called me a bigot. Now we’re not speaking anymore. So tell me, which Nightmare is better?
Freddie Is My Homeboy

Dear Freddie,
Huh uh uh, no more of that, please, Mommy, no more. Ergh, my tummy feels weird. BLERGH. Yuck. Mommy, I don’t want anymore cotton candy.