The Garlic Press Victim to Hacker From the Daily Show

By Alexa Darrin

Published: August 10, 2009

By Alexa Darrin*

It was recently discovered that, in a blatant yet cunning move, the Daily Show has stolen sensitive material from the toiling minds at the Garlic Press.

In a Daily Show segment that aired August 3rd, 2009, program host Jon Stewart made comments obviously pilfered from an August 6th Garlic Press article. While describing how a program inspired by the “Cash for Clunkers” system could be used to fix healthcare, Stewart used terminology suspiciously similar to the ideas outlined in “‘Cash for Clunkers’ Program Infuses Billions, New Life into Foundering Health Industry,” authored by Garlic Press contributor David Sherrell.

Producers for the Daily Show have protested their innocence, pointing to the fact that their segment aired three days before the Garlic Press article went to print. David’s article, however, was written several days prior to publication, as all Garlic Press articles must undergo a strict editing, fact checking, and screening process: Joel moves the commas around and looks for suspicious-looking participles; Alexa adds fart jokes; and Brooks devotes half of his time to deleting fart jokes, with the other half spent trying to convince the rest of the staff to call him Supreme Leader. (Officials believe that it was sometime during this latter period that the article was stolen.)

After intense interrogation, a Daily Show writer did finally admit to hacking into Brooks’s computer and stealing critical content from the article. In a recorded confession, the despicable thief hack stated, “What the fuck is the ‘Garlic Press?’ Is this for real?” Stewart himself has also extended an apology: “Look: if anyone’s guilty of theft, it’s those assholes. I’m going to assume this is all a big joke, and not sue.”

Responses at the offices of the Garlic Press have been mixed. “I really feel sorry for Stewart,” says Joel. “He is understandably threatened by our genius.”

David, on the other hand, is heartbroken about the theft. “I can’t believe they used my bit about the ‘win-win situation,’” he says. “That was my favorite line. It took me all night to write it, and then he just steals it out from under me.”

In the meantime, security at the Garlic Press has been beefed up, with hefty new fail-safe measures put into place. “I added a spyware protection program on my computer,” assures Brooks. “And I’ve bought a pit bull.”

He adds, “Nobody fucks with the Supreme Leader.”

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* Edited, censored, and approved by the Supreme Leader.