“Cash for Clunkers” Program Infuses Billions, New Life into Foundering Health Industry

By Guest Contributor

Published: August 6, 2009

By David Sherrell

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration has recently unveiled what is fast becoming their most popular and lucrative stimulus program so far, the Septuagenarian Allowance Rebate System, or SARS. SARS, known popularly as the “Cash for Clunkers” program, encourages young, healthy Americans who serve as caregivers for elderly and/or infirm family members to fund their own health insurance by remanding their charges (the “clunkers” in question) into government custody.

“It’s a win-win,” says DC-area resident Abby Goldberg. “Now I can quit pouring my paychecks into my money-pit, lemony father, and pay for my health insurance, all at the same time!”

The program was inspired by popular “toys-for-guns” crime prevention programs. Necessitated by the failure of the health insurance industry to cover the millions of Americans rated too old, infirm, poor, and/or unsavory to insure, SARS has the added benefit of relieving the strain placed on society by a population that drains voluminous resources without generating any product or capital in return.

“With this program, these older models, whose productive years were behind them, will be granted a new chance to be of use to society,” says Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius. “It’s like a new life for them, really, which is amazing considering just how much more efficient newer-generation people are.” When asked about the nature and specifics of this “new life,” the Health Secretary replies, “We aren’t completely sure yet, but we’re still reviewing options from each of the Three R’s: Reduce, Recycle, and Reuse.”