Homeless Vegetarian Caught With Big Mac

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Published: August 4, 2009

BEAVERTON, OR – Harvey Portowitz, a homeless man who has become somewhat of a fixture on the corner of First and Cedar over the past few years, was recently spotted at a local McDonald’s ordering a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, which he then proceeded to Super Size. This brazen move has come as a shock to the entire community, as Portowitz was famous throughout Beaverton for his sign that read “Homeless Vegetarian.”

As word of Portowitz’s transgression has spread throughout the community, citizens have taken to the streets to show their indignation. One group of rogue organic farmers, to show their anger at his betrayal, burnt an effigy of Portowitz on the corner where he used to wait daily for money, food, and the occasional hemp knapsack from fellow vegetarians in a generous mood. Another group of angry citizens razed and pillaged a nearby Veggies ‘R Us where Portowitz would hang out. The market is now classified as an organization that harbors terrorists, as the manager allowed Portowitz to dig through the trash, and even allowed him the occasional nap in the parking lot.

The local chapter of the Vegetarian Enthusiast Alliance is outraged, viewing Portowitz’s action as a direct attack on their values. “This tarnishes the reputation of vegetarians everywhere,” remarks Cindy Fairweather, chapter chair. “It’s hard enough to sell a few spinach-wrapped brussel sprout burgers at our annual fundraiser without him making us look like a bunch of hypocrites.”

Lt. Andy Spenning of the Portland Police Department, is disturbed for a different reason. “What this indicates is true premeditation and malice aforethought on the part of Mr. Portowitz,” he says. “The man was targeting the vegetarian-friendly sentiments of our town in a systematic effort to win their sympathy with trickery. We had a real con-artist on our hands, someone with the cunning of Charles Ponzi, or that guy that Leo DiCaprio played in Catch Me If You Can.” Spenning then points to a news article on his desk, “Portland, Oregon Ranked Most Vegetarian-Friendly City in the U.S.” and shakes his head in despair.

“I guess I suspected all along,” reflects area resident Martha Corning. “Whenever I would bring him some of my Tofu Cabbage Casserole, he would tell me that he’d already eaten, and ask me if I had any cash on me.”

Harry Englund, President of the East Beaverton Homeowner’s Association, is spearheading legislation for a screening process for future homeless solicitors. His proposed “Truth in Homelessness Act” would require a 12-step validation process before any homeless person is allowed to make claims regarding their religion, ethnicity, military service record, or dietary preferences. The legislation would also require all homeless persons to pay a registration fee before they are allowed to post any cardboard signs on public sidewalks. “We can’t have homeless people making claims that are contrary to the facts,” explains Englund. “It’s really important that we crack down on this problem before it becomes an epidemic.”

“I just don’t know what to believe in anymore,” remarks Blake Martin, a man who remembers giving Portowitz 67 cents one time. “If you can’t trust the statements printed on a homeless man’s cardboard sign, what can you trust?”

Portowitz, having fled Beaverton before a vengeful mob of citizens could get hold of him, has been unavailable for comment. At the time of printing he was rumored to have reached San Francisco, dyed his hair black to conceal his identity, and begun carrying a sign that reads “Homeless Homo.”