EPA Offends Mormons, Prius Owners

By Alexa Darrin

Published: July 31, 2009

STOCKTON, CA – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints brought suit against the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) today for obscenity. The tear out posters from the EPA’s new “War on Waste” pamphlets were printed on the backside of Playboy posters from the mid-1980′s.

In a statement to the press, the EPA maintains the position that the posters are just an example of “repurposing” old materials.  In response to the questionable choice of printing material, the EPA defended that the naked models are simply conserving clothes. Spokesperson Glenn Brown defends the actions of the EPA, stating “Mormons are just a bunch of environmental-hating douche bags. And God is the biggest consumer there is. Have you ever seen a Giraffe? Does their neck really need to be that long? What a waste of resources. And the platypus, an animal lacking any original features, is just God mocking recycling.”

The Church objects vehemently, as the pamphlets have been widely distributed to public schools and churches by the “Conservation Cadillacs Brigade.” The EPA had a fleet of 10,000 Cadillac Escalades painted bright green, and outfitted with flags that say “War on Waste.” The fleet was launched from EPA headquarters, and has been driving to as many cities and towns in the nation as possible to spread the message of conservation. “We were going to go with the Prius, but we didn’t want our volunteers to get the shit beat out of them for looking like pussies,” explained Ron Barstow, the man in charge of purchasing the vehicles and outfitting the wheels with spinners that flash “conserve” in morse code.

Supporters of both the EPA and the LDS Church lined the streets leading to the courthouse as the parties entered this morning. Molly Coons, supporter of the EPA, remarked, “The Church is just jealous they didn’t put tear out posters in the Book of Mormon. Maybe if they had thought of that, Joseph Smith wouldn’t have been tarred and feathered.”

The glossy 45-page pamphlet outlines the damage unnecessary consumption wreaks on the environment. The pamphlet also informs consumers of steps they can take to minimize their carbon footprint. Even more impressive than the wealth of information contained within its sleek pages is the presentation of the pamphlet itself.  It comes sealed in green bubble wrap, and set in a styrofoam casing placed in a cardboard box, to prevent the pages from being bent. “When it comes to being conservationists,” comments Brown , “we aren’t prepared to bend.”

The pamphlet also contains instructions on what people can do to help others reduce their consumption. People can even send in for plastic action figures to remind them to be SuperConsumers.

“It’s really exciting to be involved in such a revolutionary campaign,” one of the volunteers, a graduate of the University of Colorado at Boulder, comments. “We are already hard at work on next year’s edition, which should be twice the length. I don’t want to give too much away, but I am working on designs for baby diapers to spread the message of our campaign. It is never too early to show concern for our environment.”

WasteWarGate will continue, and both parties will have their day in court. But both Brown and the EPA are looking further into the future. When asked if he is concerned with the fact that the material the pamphlet is printed on will take 100 years to biodegrade, Brown responded. “Oh, that’s just going to ensure our message in this War on Waste will have time to sink in. The problem of over-consumption isn’t going to just biodegrade.”