Prominent Black Academic Furious Police Did Not Arrest Evil Robot Twin

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Published: July 28, 2009

CAMBRIDGE, MA – African-American scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. has filed an official grievance against the Cambridge Police Department, charging them with a criminal lack of racial bias. In a written statement, the renowned Harvard professor and Director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute declared he was “appalled” that officers investigating a possible break-in at Gates’s residence did not arrest or otherwise detain his identical cyborg clone.

Over the past week, Gates, one of the nation’s most esteemed black intellectuals, has repeatedly emphasized his outrage that Sgt. James Crowley, the commanding officer on the scene, “arbitrarily assumed this bloodthirsty android impostor was me, and allowed it entry into my home.”

Cambridge Police Commissioner Robert Haas has defended Crowley’s actions, arguing that robot duplicates inherently resemble their human counterparts, and that officers had at the time no reason to suspect the being posing as Gates of identity fraud.

Haas’s remarks have provoked criticism from many in the human community. “This guy just blatantly admitted that cops can’t tell us apart,” shouts one demonstrator. “Next he’ll be saying we all look alike!” (This public response has in turn spawned a counter-movement against robot profiling, proponents arguing that “androids are people too.”)

Gates, however, is more concerned by what he is calling negligent law enforcement. “Look,” he says, “my neighbor obviously suspected something when she called to report a burglary at my home. If it wasn’t because she knew that my nefarious techno-nemesis was plotting mayhem, then what could it possibly have been?”

The scandal has quickly garnered national attention. President Obama himself recently weighed in on the sensitive issue and its implications, observing that Cambridge police had “acted stupidly in not arresting somebody when there was no proof that they were who they claimed to be – or even human to begin with.”

After subsequent censure from police departments nationwide, the President backtracked from his initial judgment, and has since offered to “have a beer” with all parties involved in an effort to work things out. Crowley has agreed to attend, but Gates claims to have more important matters at stake. “A beer?” he asks incredulously. “Thanks to you cretins, my homicidal cyber-double is still out there, running rampant. I don’t have time for a goddamn beer, I have to save some white girl named Sarah Connor!”