Defiant Squirrel Refuses to Apologize for Being an Asshole

Defiant Squirrel Refuses to Apologize for Being an Asshole thumbnail
By Joel Turner
Published: July 21, 2009

Lansing, MI – Despite being inextricably linked to the deaths of three canines, an area squirrel refuses to admit or apologize for being an obstinate, sadistic asshole. Pet lovers throughout the greater Lansing area have demanded that the squirrel assume culpability for luring three dogs into busy intersections, where they inevitably met their respective demises.

Each incident was illustrated by a consistent pattern of temptation and deception on the part of the squirrel: Evaluating the traffic patterns, it would stand in the middle of a busy thoroughfare, cognizant of its own safety.  Once a vulnerable dog was spotted, the squirrel would chatter maniacally, holding its irresistibly cute lilliputian hands to its face, rendering dogs helpless to its feral allure.  The late dogs would proceed to emancipate themselves from the grips of their owners, rushing towards the squirrel, paying no attention to the on-coming traffic.

“Duke would be here right now, chewing on his rope toy, if it weren’t for that fucking squirrel,” cries Allison Vaughn.  “All I want is for this squirrel to share in the pain that my family has endured since that fateful incident back in April.”

Efforts have been made to contact the squirrel, which is reported to live in the backyard of the Freeman residence on Jefferson Avenue.  However, the squirrel has neither commented on the accusations nor apologized for being a conniving, insolent little shit.

“I don’t know why you’re standing on my porch asking about a squirrel,” remarks Stanley Freeman, owner of the squirrel’s backyard domicile and by extension harborer of a suspected canine murderer .  “What newspaper did you say you write for again?  I think I’m going to close my door now.  Please do not bother me again.”

No vindication appears to be in sight for the grieving families of the departed canines.  While the editorial staff of The Garlic Press in no way condones the systematic hatred of a specific group of living beings, we wholeheartedly except squirrels.  Screw ‘em.