Decrease in Police Brutality Leads to Increase in Wussy Cops
By Guest Contributor
Published: July 14, 2009
By Jamie Vaughan
BOSTON – A number of recently conducted studies indicate a worrisome trend affecting law enforcement agencies today. Results show that the current discouragement of extreme policing tactics in Northeastern United States is having negative consequences on law enforcement throughout the region. Words such as “sensitive,” “emasculated,” and “queer” have appeared regularly in reports; but one city official (who declined to be named) expresses his concerns more succinctly: “It would appear that our cops have lost their balls.”
One case study pointed to an elite Boston police task force known on the city streets as the BloodHogs. This team had higher reports of questionable shootings and unnecessary violence than any other police department in a ten-state radius. Children would cry when their school safety officer came into sight. A section of Mass General’s emergency room was reserved nightly for “lawbreakers” (loosely defined as anyone getting in the way). Certain task force members even reportedly refused to carry a gun because “it takes all the fun out of taking down a suspect.” For the past three straight years, the annual Gay Pride, Puerto Rican Day, and Women’s Rights Parades were all canceled by city officials in an attempt to keep the civilian casualty count down.
But this is no longer the case. As part of its program to curb incidents of police brutality, the Justice Department made an example of the BloodHogs. Each officer was required to attend a two-week sensitivity training retreat run by The Winkles, a popular children’s singing group. Changes were made in the workplace as well. It went from merely illegal to openly frowned-upon to drink on the job; the weight room was transformed into a placid yoga studio; and all coffee makers were replaced with electric kettles and a stock of herbal teas.
Many question whether or not the Justice Department went too far, however.
On July 8th an armed robber fleeing a convenience store was apprehended by the shop owner. The first officers on the scene, BloodHogs both, offered the detained man a freshly baked scone and invited him to their weekly craft arts and crafts club. To this day, the suspect remains at large and no charges have been filed, as the officers informed witnesses that “everyone deserves a second chance.”
One detective’s wife has been heard to repeatedly mock her husband’s new-found love of aroma therapy candlelit baths and calling “just to talk.”
Dunkin Donuts throughout the greater Boston area are closing for good, as their prime customer base has abruptly ceased all patronage, electing to instead frequent farmers markets and independent teahouses.
While other police departments haven’t gone quite as far in reform efforts as the BloodPigs, similar disturbing patterns are emerging. A department in northern Connecticut has reportedly changed their annual Drunk-Dodgeball event into a bake-off.
“We’ve cut down on police brutality immensely, but my men no longer make arrests,” complains Police Chief Earl Perry of Falmouth, RI. “I used to have thirty-two fantastic officers working under me. Now I’ve got thirty-two crossing guards.”