Bless Mother Earth! Yowza!

By Guest Contributor

Published: June 1, 2009

By Chas Morris Yorzan

Woo doggie, it’s been a while! Sorry I have not written in some time. So much has happened since my penthouse apartment went from Sunday Times Home Section to a pile of beautifully-scented ash. In an attempt to clear my head after all my possessions were incinerated, I decided to donate all my assets in a packaged giveaway on craigslist and I took a cab to New Jersey, where I snuck into the back of a ROADWAY semi-truck parked at a weigh station and let the whims of said commercial trucking company dictate where I would end up.

I now find myself in a place called “Oregon.” After getting dropped off in a town known as “Bend,” I started walking towards the mountains. For several days, I walked, my feet sore with blisters, my throat on fire from dehydration. When I felt I could go no further, I stumbled upon a small farming community. This is where I met Mooncrystal. The woman with whom I now know I will share a cosmic connection in this life and the next four. Mooncrystal took me in, gave me food, and told me that if I wish to stay, I must learn to contribute to the community. She taught me the way of the hoe. I now spend 17 hours each day tilling the earth, giving back to our mother the creator what she has given to us. What joyous wonderment!

Each day, we have a community forum. Each of the members of our community congregate and we discuss the day to come, what we are planting, and we all give thanks to the earth for providing us with tomatoes and chickens and rocks. As an initiation, I have been called to sacrifice three goats tomorrow night. I don’t have to drink their blood or anything silly like that, but I do get to skin them and wear their hides! And to think, four short months ago, I was wasting my time drinking 18 dollar cocktails and discussing the state of my hedge fund. What is a hedge fund, anyway?

I better go, the internet station is only for our illicit money-laundering pyramid scam. If Mooncrystal finds that I’m contributing to an online newspaper, she’ll cut off another one of my toes!