Dick Cheney to Star in New Talk Show

By Guest Contributor

Published: June 1, 2009

By Ami Koldhekar

Former Vice President Dick Cheney launched a new talk show, “Dicktates” on the Fox network, funded by a bailout for the failing non-liberal media. The show promises to show a sassier side of the former veep by airing various segments for the everyday real American, such as “How to Love Freedom” and a daily installment of “Paradise Lost,” which includes commentary on the current presidency and how it is turning us a little more into the goddamn French each day. When interviewed recently about his show, Cheney gushed under a shy smirk that he hopes his show will be “the next big thing since 9/11.”

The show commemorated its first episode with guest star Alaska Governor, and devoted abstinence-only homemaker, Sarah Palin. The governor spoke with Cheney about her likely run for the presidency in 2012, alongside the flagrantly ethnic Governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal. Jindal joined her onstage briefly to talk about how spontaneous volcano eruptions can solve the problem of liberals who do not have the fear of God in them. “I can see India from my porch!” exclaimed Palin, and went on to talk about her vacation to Club Med Cuba, where her children enjoyed daily waterboarding classes.

The former Vice President also briefly spoke about his recent role as Darth Cheney in the media. “There’s no middle ground when it comes to giving it your all. A liberal will plant organic arugula in the garden of their home in between their flag burning and gay marriage. A real man punches someone and makes it look like they ate a pretzel, then shoots them in the face.”