Africa Officially Declared a Country; Geographically-Challenged Americans Heave Sigh of Relief

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Published: June 2, 2009

By David Sherrell

DUBUQUE, IA – In a move designed to alleviate increasing concerns over the average American student’s near-total ignorance of world geography, the U.S. Dept. of Education has issued a directive to U.S. teachers declaring the fabled land of Africa a “country.” The former continent is the second-largest continuous and second-most populous body of land in the world; it is now the largest and most populous country on Earth, displacing China.

Residents of Dubuque, IA are “truly relieved,” in the words of local history teacher Phil Leblanc. “In my five-and-a-half years of teaching, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve slipped up and called Africa ‘The Dark Country’ instead of ‘The Dark Continent,’” admitted Leblanc. “And every time one of my colleagues or students corrects me, don’t I just get red in the face! I always think: we’ve got like fifty states, they’ve got like fifty states, right? America’s a country, and we’re Americans. So if the people who live in Africa are Africans, Africa’s a country, right? I mean, next you’re going to tell me America is a continent! It’s laughable, really. This [policy change] makes teaching just that much easier; we’re struggling to get our kids to remember the capital of Iowa.”

“Des Moines! It’s Des Moines,” he added after a short pause.

Other responses have been less positive. Irate South Philadelphia resident James “Junior” Jenkins, Jr. said, “It’s [expletive deleted] ridiculous. [Gerund deleted] White people don’t know [scatological reference deleted], always trying to cover it. I’ve seen [gerund deleted] Birth of a Nation. I’ve been to the Nixon Library, and I’ll be visiting W. Bush’s too. I love me some [gerund deleted] revisionist history. Now we’ve got revisionist current events and revisionist world geography. I can hardly [gerund deleted] keep up.”

In a decade during which the United States has been roundly criticized for unilateral interference in world affairs, this is widely considered its least intrusive restructuring since an American President ordered a Soviet General Secretary to demolish German architecture.