U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Completes Dome Over Mexico
By Joel Turner
Published: June 1, 2009
MEXICO – After not much deliberation and 2.3 trillion dollars, the United States Army Corps of Engineers (USACE) has successfully completed what is hailed as the greatest architectural achievement in human history, constructing a 756066 cubic mile dome which will completely quarantine North America’s third largest country.
Fears of the H1N1 strain–commonly referred to as Swine Flu–reaching pandemic levels in the United States was the chief motivation behind the expedited dome construction, reports the USACE spokesperson, Julian Roscoe. “We have been holding on to the blueprints for such a project for years now,” comments Roscoe, “but we never had a truly legitimate reason to cordon off Mexico. When we discovered that the H1N1 strain had originated in Mexico, we felt it was time to execute the project.”
The dome was designed by Skidmore, Owings and Merrill, a Chicago-based architectural firm, famous for their 1982 construction of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. The USACE felt that the dome needed to represent all that is aesthetically pleasing about Minneapolis, for some reason.
“I think that the Metrodome, and by extension, Minneapolis is a perfect representation of everything that is not Swine Flu-related,” remarks Lieutenant General Robert L. Van Antwerp. “We also wanted to remind our Mexican neighbors to the south that we’re not just trapping them inside a dome to the likes that the world has never seen, we’re also providing them with air conditioning and a lot of hot dogs. Turkey dogs, of course.”
The dome’s construction has not been without its share of critics, however. Groups ranging from Amnesty International to Greenpeace to The Zapatista Army of National Liberation (EZLN) have banded together in protest of the monumental structure.
“We want no part of Mexico,” says EZLN spokesperson Manuel Castellanos Ferro, “And now, thanks to the ultimate oppressors to the north, we have no choice but to eat turkey dogs with the swine that signed the NAFTA agreement 15 long years ago.”
Members of Greepeace decry the move, citing that the rich plant life that exists in the Yucatán region of Mexico will surely face systematic destruction.
Despite the many critics that feel the project will be a perennial failure, the likes of which humankind has yet to conceive, the USACE still insists that the dome is “really cool” and “kinda pretty too, when you see a picture of it from space.”