Mr. Goat Goes to Washington

By Brooks Sherman

Published: April 1, 2009

WASHINGTON – President Obama has consistently reaffirmed his confidence in Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, but rumors persist that a new star is rising in the President?s affections, leading to speculation of a possible shift in Cabinet personnel. Capitol Hill insiders are now quietly pointing to the figure that has accompanied the President on many of his recent public appearances, Mr. William E. Goat III. Although he has never held public office, Mr. Goat possesses qualities that may appeal to a wide range of voter demographics. “Bill is the perfect candidate to fill a post in the Obama administration,” vouches longtime lobbyist and Washington veteran Smokey Bear. “He’s got a rural, small-town background, which will come in useful with populists; and his strong commitment to American traditions, such as his proposed return to an agrarian-based economy and his hands-off approach to government, will likely win him points among many conservatives.” Mr. Bear adds, between puffs on his cigar: “And that beard? Pure Lincoln. Very classy.”

Mr. Goat could be just what the White House needs at this juncture, after an embarrassing series of scandals implicating many of the President’s hand-picked selections for his Cabinet. “Geithner had best watch his back,” claims one official who asked to remain anonymous, “or he might find himself butted out of a job.”

Known for his gruff demeanor, Bill Goat has often locked horns with powerful members of the Republican Party. Prominent RNC member and entertainment icon Porky Pig is already leading a campaign against Mr. Goat’s possible nomination. “I have a p-p-p-proven track record fighting wasteful g-g-government spending on p-p-pet projects, as well as a solid c-commitment to strong law enforcement,” argues Mr. Pig. “B-b-but if Bill here gets to control public policy, you’re just going to get more farm subsidy bailouts and st-stubbornness.

“And also, my f-f-friends,” Mr. Pig concluded, “we all know that eventually Bill Goat is going to get caught doing what he does b-b-best: devouring the taxpayers’ money. After all, it’s in his nature.” The ACLU has since severely rebuked Porky Pig for his racist and hurtful comments. Mr. Goat has declined to respond to the allegations, but when asked what he thought of his opponent’s tactics, he released a spray of pellets over his podium.