Congress Quits

By Joel Turner

Published: April 1, 2009

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected and decidedly unprecedented move, all 535 members of the United States Congress submitted letters of resignation to President Barack Obama’s office this afternoon.

No reports suggest that this was a concerted decision; rather, each member of the House of Representatives and the Senate coincidentally decided at the same moment that they were sick of all the bullshit.

“I was walking over to the White House to submit my letter of resignation when I saw House Republican Leader John Boehner (R-OH) across the street, heading in the same direction,” comments Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

“When I showed up at the White House,” recalls freshman Senator Michael Bennet (D-CO), “there was a very long line of people waiting to get in. I’ve only been a Senator for a few months now, so I didn’t recognize too many faces, but I did see John Kerry wearing a pair of swim trunks drinking a Mai-Tai and John McCain was riding around the south lawn on a golf cart, laughing maniacally.”

Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) was particularly excited by the day’s activities. “I’ve been a United States Senator for over 30 years. I’ve spent my life neglecting what I really want to do: Ultimate Cage Fighting. As far as I’m concerned, today is the first day of my new life.”

The Oval Office has yet to issue a statement in response to the mass congressional quitting, but trusted sources within the White House suggest that a ragtag group of “replacement” Senators and Congresspersons may be recruited, including such familiar faces as Keanu Reeves, Rachael Ray, and Martin Sheen.