Man Sees the Light, Converts to Diet of High Moral Fiber

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Published: October 19, 2009

Mike Rawlins used to be dogmatic about his morning routine: each day, he would awaken at 6 a.m., prostrate himself on the floor for his morning sit-ups, and then take a cleansing baptism in the shower. And each day, before heading off to work he would have a cup of coffee and a big bowl of Cinnamon Host Crunch.

“My wife counseled me for years to try Honey Nut Halos,” Rawlins tells us. “She always said it would take three bowls of my cereal to give me the nutritional fulfillment you could get in one bowl of hers.” He admits, “So, a few months ago, I finally converted to Honey Nut Halos. And now, I’ve got to admit: I’m a believer!”

Rawlins’s son Ricky often joins his father for breakfast, eating a bowl of Christ Krispies. “Daddy, they’re talking to me!” he exclaims excitedly, putting his ear to the cereal flakes swimming in milk before him. “I know, son, I know,” chuckles his benevolent father.

“My wife and I let Ricky have an extra helping of Christ Krispies every morning,” Rawlins confesses. “Better that than buying him one of those flashy new cereals like Heretrix, which may seem sweet and exciting, but offers little real satisfaction.”

Every so often, the Rawlinses attempt to convince their friends of the error of their ways, urging them to adopt good, wholesome breakfast practices. Not everyone is buying it, however: Hassan Sharif, the Rawlinses’ neighbor across the street, would rather keep to his morning ritual of eggs Sunni side up (his wife prefers hers more hard-boiled). “It is not that I dislike Michael,” Sharif explains patiently. “But I do wish that he would let my family enjoy our breakfast in the way we always have.”

There is one other thing that bothers him about Rawlins, admits Sharif. “I don’t like him coming over into my yard all the time,” he says suspiciously. “I’m pretty sure he’s trying to siphon the gas from my car.”