Ask the Director of Speed

Ask the Director of <i>Speed</i> thumbnail
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Published: April 1, 2009

Dear The Director of Speed,

My boyfriend and I often argue about action movies. This weekend I want to see 12 Rounds but he wants to see the midnight showing of What the Bleep Do We Know? at the local indie theater. He’s working on his law degree, so when I suggested that we go see the fun action movie instead of the boring philosophy movie, he said that he “must estop [me] before [my] mens reus becomes an actus reus” and that it would be an “erroneous deprivation” if he couldn’t see What the Bleep Do We Know? I told him that everyone knows What the Bleep Do We Know? is painfully pretentious, but he said, “If you don’t estop your offensive collateral estoppel I’m going to the movies alone. Also pacta sunt servada.”

How can I convince him that action movies give you the most entertainment for your money, especially when they star Keanu Reeves?

Nothing Better than a Good Car Chase

Dear Car Chase,

Your boyfriend’s an idiot. You should dump him right away because chances are you’re going to be standing on a street corner arguing with him about action movies versus talking movies and he’s going to get so riled up that he’s not going to notice the high speed car chase careening right at him and will be bounced between two different cars, Meet Joe Black-style. Trust me. The jerky boyfriends always get killed first. Especially the jerky boyfriends who are also lawyers.

The Director of Speed

Dear The Director of Speed,

Did you seriously just recommend that my girlfriend dump me? This is your preliminary injunction. Don’t make me come down there in personem and negate your probative hermeneutics. I will take you down, Director of Speed. Down to the settlement zone.

The Respondeat Superior


Dear Respondeat Superior,

Look out for that bus! BOOM! CRASH! KAPOW! CRRRUUUUUNNCCCHHHHHHH!

The Director of Speed

Dear The Director of Speed,

What do you think of John Woo?

Hong Kong Action Movies!

Dear Hong Kong,

Slow motion is an abomination.

The Director of Speed