Monkey Genius an Idiot, Claim Irate Scientists

By Brooks Sherman

Published: January 5, 2010

GENEVA – Following much suspense and promise, the Hack Institute, an elite team of scientists dedicated to testing the possibilities of the Infinite Monkey Theorem, announced today that their most recent experiment has ended in failure.

Initially proposed in 1913, the Infinite Monkey Theorem states that a if a monkey were to haphazardly tap the keys of a typewriter throughout eternity, it would eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. As the 100th anniversary of the theorem’s founding approaches, the minds of the Hack Institute set out to prove it once and for all, and end a vicious dispute that has divided the academic world for over a century.

“We began with baby steps,” explained project leader Dr. Philip Blotwirt. “Rather than wait through time without end for some random monkey to type the 38 comedies, tragedies, and histories that comprise Shakespeare’s dramatic catalogue, we decided to begin with his popular play Hamlet, and to use a monkey with a proven reputation in the arts.”

The selected test subject was Bobo, a male White-headed Capuchin monkey, who had previously distinguished himself by mastering the musical ranges of Mozart, Beethoven, and Elvis, improving Picasso’s painting of Guernica with a few choice yet profound brush strokes, and playing reigning World Chess Champion Viswanathan Anand to a stalemate. “We placed our highest confidence in Bobo,” Dr. Blotwirt said. “His pedigree was impeccable.”

Bobo came tantalizingly close to the project’s modest goals only to disappoint, when he presented his keepers with a typed copy of the Shakespearean play Titus Andronicus, along with an annotated analysis of the tragedy’s plot, structure, and relevance in a post-modern globalized society.

“Not only is this not Hamlet, it is one of Shakespeare’s least popular plays!” Dr. Blotwirt shrieked as he wildly waved the manuscript. “It COMPLETELY lacks the sophistication and effortless verse we have to come to expect from the Bard’s greater works!” Hurling the offending script across the room, the scientist collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

Bobo, witnessing another living being in pain, shuffled over to Dr. Blotwirt and gently placed a paw on his arm, gazing up into face of the distraught team leader with patient, soulful eyes. After a few minutes, Dr. Blotwirt managed to compose himself, wiping tears away as he stood. “Okay, people, back to square one,” he sighed. “Get me the cattle prod.”

Bobo was summarily punished.*

* [Editor's note: No actual monkeys were harmed in the writing of this article.] **

** [Editor's other note: But if a monkey HAD been harmed, there's really no way you could prove it.]