Congo: The Greatest Movie About Monkeys with Lasers on Their Heads Ever Made

By Jill McKay

Published: August 30, 2009

If you like robot gorillas with No Fear backpacks emoting, then this is the movie for you!

The first time I watched Congo, I was a jaded horror movie loving preteen, who, after watching Freddy Krueger eat screaming meatball heads, wasn’t at all impressed by a few monkeys with lasers on their heads. Now, thirteen years later and a whole lot more jaded, I can enjoy Congo for what it is: a stunning cinematic achievement.

The plot has something to do with killer gorillas in some country in Africa (I forget where exactly) and Sean from “Nip/Tuck” has a perm and Tim Curry’s some kind of evil gypsy with a weird accent and they’re all scared of the monkeys. Mix all this together and you have a recipe for amazing.

Exhibit A
Sean from “Nip/Tuck” is about to get mugged by a silverback and instead of flailing his arms and running away or punching the damn monkey in its stupid monkey face, he submissively lowers his eyes, appeasing the mugger silverback. The resident monkey expert is impressed by his monkey know-how, and Sean from “Nip/Tuck” replies, “I know. I’ve read the books.” But you don’t have to take my word for it!

Exhibit B
Apparently the producers blew all their money on robot monkeys (who can afford real monkeys now that they’ve got a union?) so they had to film a scene on the Universal Studios boat ride. But instead of Jaws attacking the boat, it’s Jaws with a hippo head on it attacking the boat. Terror ensues!

Exhibit C
The evil robot monkeys–you can tell they’re evil because they’ve got white fur, one of this movie’s many insightful criticisms of colonialism in Sub-Saharan Africa–are zombie wrestlers! After leg sweeping and clotheslining the humans, they eat them. And BAM! There it goes. My mind is blown.

All I really needed to know I learned from Congo: Never trust a robot monkey.