Popular Counter-Terror Icon and Self-Proclaimed “Master of Universe” Denies Performance-Enhancing Substance Abuse
By Guest Contributor
Published: March 1, 2009
By David Sherrell
RANDOR’S PALACE, ETERNIA – In a press release today, representatives of chief law enforcement officer He-Man denied allegations of substance abuse. These allegations were recently made public by the Ministry of Eternian Justice, in preparation for Friday’s convention of a grand jury investigating rumors of corruption in the King’s administration.
“Frankly, we’re shocked. Nobody was really expecting to find anything on He-Man,” said a Justice spokesperson, speaking on background. “We looked at the Homeland Protection Ministry, the self-styled Masters of the Universe, as a matter of course — and, honestly, because of security concerns related to the wizard Orko. And I want to say, flat-out, understand, that all were cleared of any graft or influence-peddling. Even Orko. But when we looked at the records from He-Man’s regular physicals, we found some — well, we found some inconsistencies.”
The inconsistencies in question concern the purported source of He-Man’s seemingly boundless strength, agility and endurance: the “Power of Greyskull.” Named for its point of origin, the mysterious and fabled Castle Greyskull, the actual nature and composition of the power remains unknown. The charges before the grand jury allege that, prior to entering into any physically challenging situation, such as combat with the forces of known terrorist Skeletor, He-Man infuses himself with this “power” through an unknown route of administration.
The difficulty in prosecuting this case, or even attaining an indictment, is that nobody — including the highest-ranking members of the Randor administration — has access to He-Man’s personal history. “The whole section is redacted — he’s a ghost,” said a top-level Randor advisor who wished to remain nameless. “We don’t know where he comes from before these battles, or where he goes afterward. We’ve had countless reports, from throughout the Kingdom, of a male voice invoking Castle Greyskull, and exclaiming, ‘I have the power!’ The most disturbing thing, to me, is that the vast majority of these reports come from one of two places: our borders on the marches of Snake Mountain, a known terrorist stronghold, and within the castle itself.”
The press release from Homeland Protection neither confirms nor denies the allegations. “Castle Greyskull is a staunch ally in the ongoing War on Terror, and as such the specific nature of the alliance between He-Man and the Sorceress is and must remain protected and confidential, lest enemies of the state gain access to sensitive information.”
Neither the Sorceress, nor any spokesperson at Castle Greyskull, could be reached for comment. Also notable in his silence is Prince Adam, heir apparent of King Randor and Queen Marlena.