Republicans Adopt Colorful New Strategies to Attract Younger Voters

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Published: March 1, 2009

WASHINGTON – In the wake of crushing electoral defeats by Democrats in 2006 and 2008, Republican leaders analyzing their party’s voter base have discovered a critical weakness: a severe lack of young people. Earlier today, Jeff Barclay, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee, announced: “As of today, the GOP is revamping its image, reaching out to younger voters, and becoming more colorful. Metaphorically speaking, I mean.”

Barclay elaborated, “Look at all the young people becoming leaders in the Republican Party today! We’ve got Michael Steele, the new Chairman of the RNC; Bobby Jindal, the face of the GOP counterattack to President Obama’s State of the Union; and Bradley Obama, the President’s much younger cousin — not that anyone’s counting — recently brought over from Kenya as a foreign exchange intern.”

Not all members of the old guard are on board with this new tactic, the most vocal example being controversial conservative radio host and political comentator Buck Berko, who recently declared on his show that “there is not a drop of young blood in my body!” (His three ex-wives later confirmed this.)

In spite of such naysayers, the Republican Party is now pulling out all the stops, actively recruiting in areas where young people can be found in abundance. At an assembly in an inner city public school yesterday, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told students, “We want to show the young people of today that Republicans can also enjoy chilling with friends, listening to gangsta rap, and hatin’ on The Man. We are keeping it super fresh… just like you young people!”

Boehner closed by promising: “This is the new GOP. We’re going to show the world that we’re not just a party of old white men,” adding, “I mean, come on: some of my best friends are young people!”