Rare Carnivorous Moustache Strikes Again

By Brooks Sherman

Published: December 4, 2009

RAINELLE, WV – Local law enforcement is warning residents throughout Greenbrier County to stay indoors, after the discovery of yet another victim in the rampage of a dangerous rogue moustache.

Wilbur Fleck was found at home late last night, collapsed in his Barcalounger, an open can of warm Schlitz still clenched in his lifeless hand. It was only when a forensics team was clearing the pork rind residue from the deceased’s face that police noticed his suspiciously clean-shaven visage.

“It appears the victim tried to defend himself with a Gillette© safety razor,” Sheriff Donald Wilcox told reporters this morning. “I’m warning you folks right now: it’s gone way past that point, this mother’s too big. You’re going to need to get yourselves some heavy-duty garden shears. Or maybe a weed whacker.”

Aiding in the investigation is renowned stacheologist Dr. Phuman Shu. When asked his opinion, he says, “Contrary to popular rumor, what we are dealing with is not a handlebar ’stache, but a member of the horseshoe family—a particularly sinister parasite that will grow on the upper lip for months, before eventually devouring the brain of its host.”

Dr. Shu explains that symptoms of the afflicted may include a weakness for unlicensed firearms, trailer parks (and their female occupants), and Confederate Flag-based décor. He also cautions authorities not to confuse the fugitive with its close cousin, the man-eating mullet.

As the stache-hunt continues, Sheriff Wilcox advises citizens to remain vigilant: “Remember people, this thing could be right under your nose, and you’d never know it.”