Montana Not Wooed by Produce

By Joel Turner

Published: March 1, 2009

HELENA, MT – Lawmakers on capital hill find themselves baffled after repeated failed attempts to convince the state of Montana to lower its state speed limit from 80 to 75 MPH with the promise of two truckloads of carrots as incentive. “I just don’t understand,” says House Minority Whip Jack Scarborough R-NV, “Carrots have never failed us in the past. It’s not like we’re offering the state cabbage. Frankly, I am at a loss.”

Congress has used carrots as a means of affecting policy changes at the state level for decades. For the first time, lawmakers are faced with the pressing question: If not carrots, then what? Sam Lungen, Montana resident and retired beet farmer sees it as a simple matter of benefit-cost analysis. “It’s not that we don’t like carrots. Shoot, we love ‘em. I think I speak for the whole of this great state when I say that carrots are tasty, nuturitious, and an essential addition to any beef stew. But it’s a question of quantity. Are we willing to sacrifice our right as Montanans to drive 80 MPH down I-90 for the sake of two truckloads of carrots? What do we look like? A bunch of Nebraskans?” When asked if three truckloads of carrots would do, Lungen responded, “now then we would have ourselves a deal.”

President of the Montana Institute for Ensuring that Montana Has and Always Will Have the Highest Speed Limit in the Country (MIEMHAWHHSLC) Sandra McCullen disagrees. “Cost-benefit or no, I still don’t understand why the Federal Government is offering us produce. They would have better luck threatening us with a metaphorical big stick that would symbolize the imminent threat of suspending federal funding for our highways. We should have joined Canada when we had the chance.”

For the moment, the speed limit in Montana remains unchanged. Given Congress’s upcoming recess and its keen tendency to forget that Montana is actually a state in the union, few see the issue of carrot-based incentives being resolved any time soon.