BREAKING – Columbia Students Take Over Cafeteria, Refuse to Graduate

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Published: May 1, 2009

NEW YORK – As of 5:45 p.m. students at Columbia University have barricaded themselves in the school cafeteria. The leader of the student rebellion, John Miller said, “We, the students of Columbia University, are following in the footsteps of our comrades at the New School and NYU and taking over the cafeteria until our demands are met.” When asked what his demands were, Mr. Miller mumbled something incoherent then shouted, “Police brutality will not be tolerated!”

Update, 6:05 p.m. The group of Columbia University students, calling themselves Students United Against Evil Psychology Experiments,has drafted a list of their demands. Margaret Rodgers, a sophomore, said, “We are fighting for animal rights. No longer will innocent rats be forced to press bars for food. The wicked practices of the psychology department end now.”

Lisa Bindell, a junior, interrupted Ms. Rodgers to say, “That’s not it. We’re refusing to come out until the school agrees to serve only vegan food in the cafeteria.”

A senior, Steve Walsh, said, “You guys are so dumb. We’re refusing to graduate because if we graduate we have to find jobs and we can’t find jobs during the recession. Especially not me. I’m a philosophy major. Philosophy.”

Ms. Rodgers then shouted, “Shut up, Steve. Free the rats!”

Update, 7:20 p.m. The former Students United Against Evil Psychology Experiments, now calling themselves the Columbia Super Seniors and Super Duper Seniors, have a new list of demands.

Steve Walsh, the de facto president said, “We, the students of Columbia University, refuse to graduate. We feel that due to the university faculty’s inability to properly prepare us for the real world, especially the faculty of the philosophy department, we lack the basic job skills necessary to start careers in our fields. In order to avoid unemployment, destitution, and moving back in with our parents, we demand that the university allow us to continue being students. Fifth year students will be given the official title Super Seniors, sixth year students will be Super Duper Seniors, seventh year students will be Really Super Duper Seniors, eighth year students will be Really Special Super Duper Seniors, and so on. Until we can assure that we will have student status indefinitely, our standoff will continue.”

Update, 7:22 p.m.The standoff has ended. Immediately after hearing the students’ demands, the NYPD, which had been milling about outside the cafeteria while the students shouted at them from inside the building, decided to force the students to come out. Students shouted “Fascists!” and “Police brutality!” and “Rodney King, Rodney King!” while officers slowly removed the tables and chairs that made up the barricade. Officer Randall Pierce walked into the cafeteria and, without touching any of the students, motioned at the door and said, “Alright guys, show’s over. Let’s go.” A few students continued to protest and claim that they were being brutalized, but most of the students grabbed their bags and shuffled out. Steve Walsh was the last to leave, shouting “This aggression will not stand! This aggression will not stand!” as Officer Pierce gently ushered him out the door.

Update, 7:40 p.m. Rachel Simmons, the Columbia University spokeswoman told reporters that the participating students have been suspended for the remainder of the semester, except for the seniors, who will be forced to go to class and graduate as scheduled. Her closing remarks were, “Really Special Super Duper Seniors, ha! Have fun living with a curfew again, you dumb kids.”

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