Scandal Rocks World of Sports: Baseball Player NOT on Steroids

By Brooks Sherman

Published: March 1, 2009

Shocked murmurs and exclamations echoed through the courtroom today after major league baseball’s grandslam superstar, Jed “the Juicer” Juszpecki of the New York Yankees, admitted, under oath, that he has never used performance-enhancing drugs to augment his athletic achievements. At least two coaches fainted upon hearing the announcement, requiring an emergency infusion of energy drinks.

Outraged fans of the hallowed American pastime are already howling for Juszpecki’s immediate withdrawal from the sport, and for the Baseball Commission to strip him of his numerous awards. “We come to the stadium every game to be deceived, to be assured the physically impossible is possible!” bellowed one placard-bearing protester outside the courthouse. “And now we get told, just like that, that we’ve been swindled? That a man actually can hit a hundred homeruns in a row without undergoing an illegal and hazardous drug regimen? I’ve been a baseball fanatic all my life, but now,” the man’s mouth twisted in disgust. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll switch to watching football, where you KNOW everyone on that dang field is popping amphetamines.”

“I knew it,” ranted famed teammate and rival Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez to waiting reporters outside the hall of justice. “I just knew it! You’d see him in the locker room after every game, and there was never a glazed look in his eyes, no unexplained bouts of aggression and, in the showers, there was absolutely no shrinkage to his . . . you know.”

Juszpecki, ambushed by reporters as he attempted to leave the courthouse from a side exit, issued a brief statement: “I want to apologize to my family, friends and especially fans at this time. I have betrayed them, my teammates, and the sport I love. I can only hope that time will repair some of the damage I have cause by my inaction. And to any kids out there who are listening, and still consider me a role model, I want to tell you this: when it comes to drugs and peer pressure, just do it.”

In spite of Juszpecki’s words, spokespeople for Nike have announced that the company will immediately terminate his sponsorship.