Fuel-Efficient Cars Too Dangerous to Build, Claim Automakers

By Brooks Sherman

Published: March 1, 2009

Lawmakers on Capitol Hill today presented a stern ultimatum to the beleaguered American auto industry: if they hope to receive another dime of federal aid, they will have to first demonstrate a solid commitment to the development of economical, eco-friendly, and fuel-efficient vehicles. At a press conference held shortly thereafter, General Motors and Chrysler issued the following joint response to the ruling: “Are you out of your goddamn minds?!”

GM CEO Robert Wagoner, joined at the podium by fellow CEO Robert Nardelli, of Chrysler, expanded on their outrage: “Do these suits in Washington, with their fancy jets and private pensions, honestly believe we have not already made every attempt possible to provide the American public with reliable, high-performance products?” Beside him, Nardelli shook his head mournfully, as Wagoner demanded, “How dare they, when we have lost so many men — damn good men — in this mad quest for perfection? And yes, we may have found results, but what we found… was monstrous.”

Opening his briefcase, Wagoner pulled from it a bulging manila folder. “Take a look at these schematics for the new Buick Throttle,” he instructed, tossing the file to the waiting crowd. “This hybrid model gets 67 miles per gallon, but the accompanying airbags have an unfortunate tendency to wrap themselves around the throats of the driver and passengers, asphyxiating them. Even more disturbing,” he added, “we have found that the airbags frequently deploy even if there has been no collision.”

A reporter raised his hand here, and asked if it might be possible to simply remove the airbags from the model. Before Wagoner could reply, Nardelli murmured softly, almost to himself, “That’s how we lost Anderson.”

After a moment of silence, Wagoner resumed. “The Pontiac Fireball,” he announced, displaying the contents of another folder. “Sure, it gets 96 miles to the gallon, thanks to an exoskeleton of titanium-reinforced solar panels . . . but it also comes equipped with a self-destruct button that, when pressed, disintegrates the entire vehicle and its occupants in a blazing explosion of carnage; and which unfortunately also closely resembles the ignition. Think of all the needless injuries and deaths this vehicle could potentially cause!”

“I have to ask,” interjected another journalist hesitantly. “Why was this feature even installed in the first place?” “Ask Smith!” bawled an enraged Nardelli. “Oh wait, that’s right: you can’t, because he’s been incinerated! Why don’t you ask his bereaved family instead, you insensitive prick?!” The rest of the audience glared at the offending inquirer, who sank back to his chair in shame.

Now visibly fighting back tears, Wagoner went on: “The Chrysler Venus runs entirely on biodegradable fuel, allowing for an astonishing 123 miles per gallon, as it breaks down compost waste and converts it to pure, clean energy. Its emissions actually restore vital components to our sorely depleted ozone layer, offering greater protection from harmful ultraviolet rays. Tragically…” Wagoner looked down, apparently unable to go on, and Nardelli took the microphone from him: “Tragically, this feature has also given the car an insatiable hunger for human flesh; tests show it has a 93.4% probability of entrapping passengers once they have entered, locking all doors and shatterproof windows, whereupon it proceeds to digest its victims in a bath of highly corrosive battery acid.”

Gasps filled the room, before Nardelli grimly resumed: “Yet all of these glitches pale in comparison to the threat of our final discovery: that, by making these cars more efficient and more powerful, we are tampering with the natural order. There exists the risk that such advanced vehicles could develop self-awareness and, with the aid of our foolishly perfected technology, evolve into formidable robot-like beings that would proceed to conquer first us and then the world. If anything,” he boldly concluded, “we should receive twice the amount we are currently requesting, as we executives of Chrysler and G.M. may very well be humanity’s only defense against this unholy auto-onslaught.”

Newly-installed Toyota Motor Corp. CEO Megatron has dismissed these concerns as baseless, calling them “fanciful paranoia borne of desperation.”