Ask a Jilted Lover
By Guest Contributor
Published: February 14, 2009
Dear Jilted Lover,
Last year my boyfriend totally ignored Valentine’s Day. He went with his geeky friends to a Valentine’s Day all you can eat sushi special while I stayed at home eating a box of chocolates I’d bought for myself. How can I hint to him that I really want him to do something special for me this year?
Sushi Sucks
Dear Sushi,
Uh huh, right. You think that’s bad? Let me tell you, last year on Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend gave me a box of chocolates with almonds even though he knows I HATE almonds. I like PEANUTS. PEANUTS! IS THAT SO DAMN HARD TO GET STRAIGHT, CHUCK?! Chuck? I miss you.
Jilted Lover
Dear Jilted Lover,
Last weekend my girlfriend and I had a big fight at the movie theater because she wanted to see My Bloody Valentine and I wanted to see Bride Wars. I told her I wanted to see Bride Wars because Entertainment Weekly said it was Kate Hudson’s best work since Fool’s Gold, but she said the makers of Bride Wars are clearly anti-feminist and so out of touch with the average American that they think they can persuade people to feel sorry for two rich women fighting over their perfect weddings when the average American these days is more concerned with scrounging up enough money to go to the movies. And also, she really wanted to see a pickaxe flying out of the screen in 3D. We ended up going to our separate movies, but they both sucked and we didn’t talk the whole ride home. How can we resolve our fight?
Screw you, Kate Hudson
Dear Kate Hudson,
I remember the first time I went to the movies with Chuck. We saw Crash and were so moved by the movie, we decided to give back to our communities the next day and read books to children at the homeless shelter. Then a couple of weeks ago, we got Crash from Netflix and realized that it’s actually a terrible movie that tries so hard to manipulate the viewer’s emotions that it forgets to develop characters that anyone could possibly care about and also it stars Encino Man, that blonde dude from Cruel Intentions, and Miss Congeniality, I mean wha?! Well, we were so pissed off when the movie was over, we got into a big fight and I told Chuck to leave, and he did and now he won’t return my calls.
Jilted Lover
Dear Jilted Lover,
My boyfriend’s so great, I really want to get him something special for our one month anniversary. Do you have any ideas what I can get him? I was thinking about getting one of those giant, hollow cakes that I could pop out of and
Dear Cake Lady,
Shut up.
Jilted Lover
Dear Chuck,
I love you. Come back?
Jilted Lover